^.~

really long time.
im adopted. i just know it. nobodys real mum could be this mean. im going to live in a tent and starve myself thin so i can buy cheaper clothes from charity shops and save enough money to hire a private detective to find my real mum. i cnt wait to meet her. i bet shes really nice. i know shell like me when im better and when she gets to know me. i wonder why noone ever told me about her. i do have a right to know.

Long time...things have taken a turn for the worse..Jacob is nowhere to be heard from, the things I spent 3 years working for are going down the shitter, and I have stepped on a broken video player..In a way I win. My self destruction is free to take over, and noones really here to stop me..but at the same time I lose. My friends, my happies. Gone. As quickly as it comes, its taken away. Ah well. Life goes on, I suppose. Ugh, I tried so hard to just get on, but something blocks me, I dont know why. Or what it is. Meh. Bday in 2 days. Noone will stop me then. For once, things are going to go my way.

She hides behind the shadow of dark. The cuts. The blood. The pain. The tears. She shakes. She cries. She’s hurt. Lonely. Sad. The fear takes over. Scared. She needs you. She needs your words. Your voice. They calm her like a mothers touch calms a crying baby. She’s changed. She regrets the promise. Blue, Green, Red. Rose Petals. Kisses. Hugs. Smiles. Abstract paintings on bare walls. Butterflies. Knives. She’s lost.

I found a load of quotes today that apply to how I feel about you..

No matter how many times I get in my state where I need to push everyone away just remember I will always love you and don’t ever forget it even though you think I might.

I cared. Too much. I found out you could have cared less. You hurt me and you don’t even know it.

My favorite place would be in your arms falling asleep with you whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

I want you to buy me flowers, just because its tuesday.

t is not the kiss itself, but the moment right before the lips touch, that leaves you speechless.

Take time to think about those people you love, how you appreciate them, and thank them while you can.

You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am, and when I fall you offer me a softer place to land.

And when she kissed me that day I couldn't help but think this is exactly what I waited for.

For someone I love, I'd die a horrible death, battle the underworld, come back, and do it all again.

The spaces between our fingers were made so another persons fingers could fill them.

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control.

Never give up on the one you love because you never know when they’ll love you back.

I didn't say "I Love You" to hear it back... I said it to make sure you knew.

The only thing worse than a broken heart is knowing I'd give you another chance.

So just whisper sweet nothings in my ear and hold me tight. Make this night last forever, cause it may be the last.

There’s no way I could look in your eyes and tell you I don't love you.

You dont have to worry about me not loving you tomorrow.

*************************************************

And what started this? I remembered that first kiss. And now Im crying my eyes out.

The World Spins Madly On..

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

Pretty epic day :D

Met Connor who is actully rather epic. Seen Lauren ofc. Bought fuck all except a drink of diet pepsi and a book. I guess I did get a bit upset but eh. Cant have a perfect day. Hopefully will see Lauren before / after I go to my dads. Also hopefully we'll all go bowling maybe at the weekend. I wish Id took photos. I kept slipping over cuz the slabs on the ground are smooth and I decided to wear the boots with shit grip. I did feel like a spare part but tis totally understandable.
Im fucking bored now mind. And cold. Ive watched the IT Crowd all over the past 2 days. And Skins. Grr. Must watch something. *goes to search youtube*

I HAVE FUCKING EPIC HAIR

PLANE!

I must get this tattoo. Either this year or next, for my bday.

Bored.

I really need a fag but cba to get up and go outside.

Hmm

Ok. So I get it now, I think. I have to get better, I know this, for my sake and Laurens. I get what Im doing wrong. I just have to learn how to stop doing it all. Lauren says shell give me a chance, but I really dont know if I can trust her now. I want to be able to trust her but I just cant tell if shes still lying to me. I wouldnt blame her to be fair, but Id rather know the truth straight off than piss about thinking everythings fine when its not. Its all very well her telling me shes being honest, but anyone can lie. Idk. Tis easier for me to believe the negative things right now, they are the bits that are easier to believe, but I dont want to believe them anymore. I want to be a shiney happy person who people feel comfortable with and who people enjoy being around. And I want to be the kind of girlfriend Lauren deserves.
I think Im over thinking. Same things, phrases going round in my head. All I keep thinking now is "Tis all very well deleting it all, but whats to say you wont make another one and keep lying, keep more stuff from me?" Ugh.
I cannot think of anything to do. Im actually bored of watching Skins all day. Ah. Lee Evans XL Tour will do fine :)
I hate this lemon - lime shit im drinking. I couldnt stand the aftertaste of the fizziness so I put water in and now its a horrible exaggeratingly watered down version of something that is supposed to be sour. BORN to be sour, dare I say. Yet I cant stop drinking it. THERES NO MORE MILK! D:
My brother is BAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!! Lazeh appears to have something good going :)
Sleep now.

Hm. Bad day I think. I just dont get it. What am I doing wrong that people wont hang out with me for? Im trying my best Im nice to everyone unless they piss me off..Its not like I dont want to hang out with people Im just scared to ask them in case they say no..Its not like Id say no. Id give anything to have real friends. If someone asked me Id smile and do it. Even Lauren doesnt seem to want me. Shes not showing up online but comments on facebook. Just makes me think shes avoiding me. I cant blame her. Im not exactly happy these days. I know I get upset easily but it doesnt mean its over nothing, its stuff that actually upsets me. I wish shed include me in something. If someone made plans with me Id ask her to come along.
I acually felt better when I didnt have anyone. There was none of this stuff then. Nothing to miss. Now Ive had a bit of it I just want a little more every now and again..And it pisses me off. The people Id like to hang out with just want to hang round with Lauren. I feel as lonely as I ever was. Part of me wishes I was still alone. But I cant leave Lauren..I wish I could just let go of everything. No I dont..I like having people around I suppose..I just wish people would spend more time with me. I wanna hang round with Jonno too but I cant just invite myself. Fat chance shell ask me either. And I dont even know whats happening at the weekend so idk if I need to take anything to school tomorrow and Lauren isnt online to talk about it with and I cant stop fucking crying.

Something I really want to say..

A hypothesis, if you could call it that..

You are contemplating suicide, or something of the like. The facts are this - you have at least one person who loves you for who you are, no matter what you do, say, feel. They would do absolutely anything for you, no question. And you love then too. Live for them. You never know, they could be ther person making you Laugh over the phone for years to come.

You are beautiful. Regardless of what you have done or have ever wanted to do. You are unique, for whichever reason makes you so. Its your reason, and yours alone. Be proud of it. Fuck what the rest of the world thinks or says about you. YOU. The one and only you. Youre only given one chance at life, so show the world that youre taking all your chances at once. Let them talk, just dont listen. Show the world exactly who you are, because they will only get one chance to get a proper look.

Happy things

I am being a happy person. I have decided i do not care what other people say about me, you know who you are ¬¬
Things are ok, dont worry, be happy

"Everybody must get stonedddddd"

I loves my Lauren and thats why I am going to change the way I am because I cant stand to lose her and I will be a good nice girlfriend because thats what I want to be and I can be anything I want to be as long as I have the willpower to do anything. Today will be a fresh start..The first day of the rest of my life. And I will live it how I want, for who I want.

I seriously dont get this shit. Lifes a bitch, I know, but that doesnt make it any easier, does it?
Seriously. If I had someone who wanted to see me every day, who wanted to go out to their way and abandon everything just to see me for even a minute, Id fucking let them if it would make them happy. Sure, maybe Im overreacting a little bit but its the fucking principle of it.
I know I cant be happy ALL the time, that just not fair on other people who need happies. But just for a fucking minute a day, is it too much to ask?
I cant be bothered to argue with people, to eat, to do anything. Whats the fucking point? Yes Lazy, I know about the life being a game thing, but I dont like the game anymore. I dont think I ever did. I just want someone to take me away from this world, so I dont have to. That, or make it as horrible as possible, then I at least have more reason to hate it. I want someone to hurt me. I dont know why. I wish brian was still beating the shit out of me. Someone. Anyone. I dont care anymore. I look at myself and wonder why the heck anyone would want anything to do with me. It made sense before when I was being hit a lot, and it doesnt make sense why noone hits me now. Im the same person. It surprises me that he doesnt hit me more to be honest.
Eh. Now Ive gone mad.

So. Here we are. I do not have a fucking clue what to say tbh. My screen is borked. Your fault Lauren, for needing a piss.
I have many crcuit boards, and 2 light bulbs, and fishing line. I just need a broken laptop, simply for its circuit board.
Im in the bath
There are more epic wins nmy hat, I think I need a bigger hat. YOUR FAULT AGAIN LAUREN. Grr
Water is wet.
Hot water is hot and wet
Oh dear me
See what shes don to my head?

Hmm. Im slightly worried about you really. But itll be ok..

ok i think ima be ok. i think the first step is me getting my head sorted. whilst also fiing thing with Lauren. then we will be ok. we have to be ok. i need Lauren to be ok. i dont want her worrying about me. i need her to be happy.
i am so tired
i have the urge to drink milk a lot.

Holyfuckingshit

There are no words to descibe this evening with my Lauren. A bit of an iffy start but ohhhhfuck. Apart from a few interruptions, another "best night of my life" sort of thing.
Wow.
Fuck me sideways.
Im actually trying to think here.
Its hard.
I did end up mmf while I was there with burning which I have never done but it hurts a lot less. But holy cunting shitbags. A seriously epic time afterwards. Im a lot more comfortable with myself since being with Lauren. Im not posting detais here for all you pervs. All you need to know is that I am in love with a wonderful, odd, kind, epic, beautiful, amazing girl, and I am on top of the world. So there :)
No lessons, no teachers, people going on at me for the overdose. Eh
Fuck that, I dont care anymore. I has epic wins in my hat. :D
^^ COOKIE FACES (88)

Nvm..

Mmf

Idk why I cant really be bothered right now. I used to just be able to sit and cut but now i cant be bothered..maybe Ill try a different part of my body. Maybe Ill just try tomorrow

Hello little red lines..

For Lauren.

With you comes something Ive never seen before. I never even knew something like that existed.



I tried to kill myslf today.
Id have succeded if a
Ray of light hadnt
Shone out
From the world I loved
The world my head told me wasnt good enough
I keep this ray of light
Close to my heart
To pry into the corners of my mind
To illuminate all those dusty
Forgotten dreams
Everything
Which makes me wonder
Who let it in there?
Who opened the door to my world
Gave access to everything good?
Who pulled the trigger of the gun that caused this somewhat lifesaving wound?

You.

Eh

Hmmf
Paint
Mmf
Paint
Mmf
What do I do?? I dont know.
Hmm..There were 34..I threw the last one away..For you..You deserve better than me..
I love you but I cant cope with it all. Im ready for anything, but I cant do it..I know it makes no sense..
I just cant cope with the loneliness after. The hole in my heart.. I cant bring myself to close it..
I love you...

Hmm.

I seem to have found myself thinking about death and suicide an such. I dont even know why. Life on average is going considerably well. Though at a time like this its hard to see it. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I feel like dancing and the next I just want to sit and cry and mmf and take paracetamol. Which isnt really sensible since I now feel sick. Im thinking too far ahead. I dont know what ill do when its Laurens birthday. Ill get to see her, but then shell be wth Connor all the time and I am barely coping now, how am I going to cope for 4 days? How the hell am I going to cope when she goes to Turkey because she wont be able to text and it will be like that for 2 weeks with just nothing and I have a feeling that I am going to go insane, if Im this bad now..I wont do anything tonight. I feel too ill. Lauren will be the reason I dont do anything..I think its just after so much closeness last night its like a massive come down now Im alone. I dont really have a good reason to do it tonight, cant be bothered anyway, just want to go to sleep. And as for suicide, cant be bothered with that either. I dont want to throw away the negatives if it means I lose the positives too. I refuse to lose Lauren. I know things can and will get better. I also know theyll probably take a long time, but I hang on every day just in case they decide to happen tomorrow.

Hmm hehe
Epic day at Laurens. Even more epic night.. Fucking best night of my life I think.

I feel a bit miserable now though.. my head is fucked up.. I keep crying at stuff..Eh.
Ima paint stuff.

Stuff I miss.

The spamming of facebook things Lauren would post on my wall.
The texts she used to send.
Butterflies.
The feeling that she wouldnt leave me.
The feeling that I was important.
Snuggles behind the mobiles.
The thing that made it special that doesnt seem to be there anymore.
The plait in my hair.
Butterflies.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I now have better paper stitches and a big plaster so they dont come off. And Mrs G wasnt even around for me to go see her so wtf was that all about. Im making a cake.
Remember the vodka and flints and ligher fluid and ciggies. And the cake! Must take the cake. And the sketchbook! Yes.. Its all coming together now...
Ooh Skins tonight..
And Im staying at Laurens tomorrowww.. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHEHEEEHEEHEHEEEHAAAAaaaaaaaa

I like spoons.

Im not quite sure what to say.. :)

So
I discovered Lauren did it in the morning because she fell asleep before she got a chance to do it in the night. So I did too. But I got worried because one of them was very deep and Lauren said I might need stitches, even after shed put paper stitches on. I went to medical and ended up telling Jenny, which I never intended to do. But she had a look and cleaned the cuts and bandaged me and I texted Lauren and she came too and she got hers cleaned up too and bandaged. And I needed to smoke so I went out and got us marshmallows and chocolate too. And then Mrs Gordon (who I actually fucking hate) came to have a chat with me which resulted in me crying and her saying my mum needed to know and that basically if I didnt tell her tonight shed have to tell her tomorrow. Then we had to go so we went and I saw Sarah and I told her what Id done to my face and arms and about nearly being carted off to the Walk In Centre for stitches and medical and Lauren and she even said maybe its not a good idea for Lauren and me to be together but to be honest I think if we really really try, we can fight it together and beat it. I dont want something like that ruining my life and future. I want a future. Fuck it, I want a future with Lauren, and I am not going to let anything or anyone mess that up.
Anyway. Sarah said it would be good for my mum to know, because shed want to know about it. And I decided Id tell her. And Lauren would be there too because she was coming round so she would be there for me.
So we went back to medical 10 minutes efore the ed of the day. Lauren was rebandaged and theres a possibility we may be going to see the school nurse. Mrs Gordon wants to talk to me tomorrow about how it went with my mum. And I think Jenny wants to check them again.
And then we went home. And played on the Wii. And had snuggles. And kisses. And crumpets. And then when my mum came home, I told her. And it was fucking fine. She didnt cry or hug me a lot or anything. I just told her I got angry with stuff sometimes. I didnt tell her I cut my face, were sticking to the "I fell in a bush story here". But I showed her my arms and my hands and my tummy. And its all fine. And I feel a whole lot better about it. And tonight, for the first time in months, Im sleeping without my armwarmers, jacket, gloves on. And it feels fucking wonderful :)
Lauren is going to put paper stitches and tape on the deep one tomorrow and shes finally going to do my plait again, otherwise Im going to eat her right ear. And I feel closer to her aftertoday in medical I think. They were nice, the staff members who came to talk to us. Not Mrs G though. Shes horrible. But Bev and Maxine definitely. Maxine was shocked. I think I was too.
Today was good. Despite everything. Im not hiding anymore. And its ok. And Im ok. And I love Lauren more than ever. And she loves me. And I think life might actually turn out reasonably ok now :)

Ok you want my dreams do you? HERE
comic book like



There. Now you know.

aaagh. you fucking better stop soon. i have never regretted anything in my life until you happened. grr. youre ugly and numb and i want you gone..

well be ok. we have to be ok. we hve to make tomorrow be a good day. or thursday or fridy but w have to make tomorrw a good day too. you have to be ok. please

mmf
please stop.. i need you to stop.. i need you to be okay.. i wont leave you either way, id just love it if you stopped..
mmf..
thank you for telling me the truth, no matter what it may lead to

This one is Marley. As you can see, he has a spliff. He likes his spliffs.

I made this square sock person. He is named Stripes Marshmallow "Confused Face" The Second.



I also made these glove things. (There are 2 of them, but I couldnt hold both my hands up AND take the photo at the same time. Well. I suppose I could have asked someone to do it for me, but that would be using logic, of which I have none).

Letters

Lauren ~

Im sorry about last night. I dont think I wanted to die. I want a life. A good one. With you. You make me happy. Last night didnt prove that, I know, but I didnt do anything else besides what you already know. I want to be strong for you. I just wish it was easier. I could get to you any time of day if you needed me. I think Ive always had that in my head. Someone calling me in the middle of the night saying they needed me, and me abandoning everything to bike to them and help them. I know Id like that. For someone to drop everything to be with me at a time of need. Maybe thats why my head tells me that I dont mean as much to you as you do to me. When in fact its just not that simple for you. You dont know how to get to mine if I need you. And even if you did, its not that easy for you to get away from home. Theres more at stake if you get in trouble. Not being allowed to see me. No money. No internet. I rely on EMA, I have a bike, a laptop with wireless and theres not much anyone can do in terms of grounding me - Im 16, I can leave home when I like.
Which brings me to my next point. I wish you could live with me. But that requires 2 things. You wanting to, and if thats a go, we both have to wait. And me and my head dont like waiting. It just makes us think that the longer we have to leave it, the more time we have to change our minds. And I know I dont want to change my mind. I want to be with you. I want to be able to take care of you, because I like when you take care of me. I want to be able to make you to feel like I do. I need you. I love you. And I mean it. Youre everything I want. My head just wont let me see it. But I know. My heads an idiot. Its my heart I need to follow.


Me ~

Stop it. Stop being so fucking ungrateful. You have someone who loves you no matter what. Yes there are some things you dont like but thats life. Go with the good stuff because you have no idea how long its going to last - make the most of it. And fucking give her a reason not to leave you cuz you know damn well youll hate yourself if she does. Get out of this hole, this rut youre in. Give her someone to look up to, someone to be proud of. Someone to say "I wish I was like her" about. You know youd love it if someone wanted to be just like you, for all the good reasons. Do whatever she wants. Never make her cry again if you can help it. Make her feel loved, if you know how. And if you dont know, ask her. Dont shout at her again. If she has an urge dont make it worse with a rant. Rant later when she says its ok. Dont make her worry. But dont lie. Dont make her do anything she doesnt want to. Dont make her pissed off. Just dont do it. Treat her like the epic wonderful girl she is. Make her feel like you do if you can work out how. Or do your damn hardest. Do your damn hardest to protect her from what you can, by whatever means necessary. Dont be the reason she falls. Be the reason she rises above everything and everyone else. If you can, be the thing that makes her smile every day. And be the thing that makes her want to keep going, just to see what tomorrow will bring.

meh.
i feel like mmf. i cnt see Lauren tomorrow before i go to my dads cuz shs "busy". and i need something to look forward too. and idk when ima see her again so i cant look forward to that. prolly ages away anyway.
i want to mmf.

hmmf. kinda fucked it. i blame my phone
if id got the texts in the night when they were sent i think i prolly woulda been ok. grr
i cant be bothered to do it right now but i will before i go to sleep. meh. then im stopping. i really want to. im sick of it now. im sure i dont want this.
im sure i want to be happy and i want Lauren to be happy too.
i just feel bad cuz shes gonna do it now and i dont want her to. if i hadnt have done it she prolly wouldnt be doing it. grr.

I decided to make a list of stuff that may or not make me strange.

1. I hate unexpected loud noises. They scare me.
2. I run my fingers along the walls when I walk because it makes me feel safe.
3. I have my music on all the time so I cant be distracted by things other people are saying.
4. I like collecting springs and circuit boards.
5. I dont like people looking at me.
6. I dont talk if Im sad or angry and it makes it worse if people yell at me.
7. I have a lot of stuff in my head and I need to get the bad stuff out as soon as I can otherwise it all gets worse.
8. I blink to the rythum of whatever song I listen to.
9. I sit in corners when Im sad or angry because it makes me feel safe.
10. I like being with adilts more than kids because I feel safer. Lauren is an exception to this because she makes me feel safe too like when I have an urge or when she fixed my arm so it wouldnt go keloid and because she loves me more than anybody else does. Sarah loves me too but I think Lauren loves me more.
11. I draw trees a lot.
12. I listen to the same song over and over again to maintain my mood.
13. I dont like being touched unless I know about it beforehand like hugs or holding hands.
14. I dont like it when people touch my things.
15. I s/h.
16. I still get urges to s/h but very very bad ones.
17. I get urges to do stupid things like trash my room, and worse.
18. I refuse to eat anything thats out of date, even if it sonly by one day.
19. I hate making eye contact.
20. I hate when people tell me to calm down when Im already calm because then I get not calm.
21. I have to turn plug sockets off it theres nothing plugged into them.
22. Once I get myself into a routine I like to stick to it.
23. I dont like when things change. Like school day plans or when things just stop happening.
24. I dont like being left alone. It scares me.
25. I keep things that people have given me if those people are special like the pen Jackie gave me 2 years ago and the chocolate box from Sarah and the truffle box from Lauren.
26. I keep bowling printouts. When I play bowling I must get a printout at the end of the game.
27. I talk to myself.
28. I pretend people are there when theyre not and I talk to them. Its like in a dream but Im awake and I sort of act it out.
29. I draw lots of swirly patterns like trees.
30. I hate the idea of sex.
31. I like being talked to. Dont look at me like Im crazy, just talk to me and be nice to me.
32. If Im already miserable dont yell at me. Wait until Im not feeling crap because I dont know what will happen if its made worse.
33. When I find myself in an uncomfortable situation I will stop talking and stare at something or I will run away.
34. I stare all the time and dont know Im doing it. I only know if people tell me or ask me what Im looking at.
35. I go out in cold weather in shorts and T Shirt.
36. I dont like being grabbed from behind and pulled. It scares me.
37. I dont like sudden movements.
38. I dont like it when people walk really close behind me.
39. I copy peoples writing if I decide its pretty.
40. I often try to write left handed.
41. I collect bottles like Miniature Whisky bottles and Vodka bottles and such.
42. I like letters. If someone writes me a letter I keep it in a special place because its special.
43. Sometimes I dont know how to say no to people. Like when I really dont want Scott to come round but I end up letting him anyway.
44. I bike up hills just to free wheel down them standing up on the pedals not holding on in the middle of the night when its cold.
45. I remember strange facts about people. And car registration plates.
46. I can play music in my head but only if Im alone.
47. I hate wearing shoes.
48. I get strange urges to kill myself.
49. Sometimes I like to sleep in my closet.
50. The thought of growing up living alone scares me because if theres nobody there who will I talk to when I get scared and who will I fight s/h with and who will take care of me and who will I get to take care of?

idk what happened to the post from last night..maybe its better i didnt put it up here now..
idk how i feel atm kinda meh i suppose. ceebs with anything really. my fingers hurt too much. i think im getting paranoid again..Lauren said somethin about changing facebook status but thus far, she hasnt so my head is telling me that she didnt really want to or that i imagined it. maybe she changed her mind. maybe she forgot. maybe she cba...idk. BE HAPPY FUCKSAKE
3 WEEKS FOR THE WIN

I has a cookie

I felt like being destructive and slicing my face up. So instead of that I butchered my old phone.

Circuit boards are pretty.

mixture of up and downs. i cried when with Lauren though im not entirely sure why..prolly cuz she said she doesnt deserve to be pretty but she fucking does and she fucking is..stupid fucktard in chat callin me a pedo can go fuck himself. im not hurting anyone. happyish now. comedy. solitaire. bagpipes
BRING ON THE HAGGIS

its gonna be ok
half on thursday
one and a half on friday.
a fatty when we reach a month
then a fatty and two small ones when we go to skeggy.
get rid of cutting for good
stop smoking
be happy.
do something with my life.
i wanna get married. idk why im thinking aobut that when im only 16 but i feel like i do. i wanna be someones "the one". i wanna get married. on a beach. cornwall or scotland. in the middle of the fucking night. and i wanna be fucking happy.
im happy with Lauren. im saying nothing else. i like how we are right now, aside from the weed related issues and money and mmf and shit like that. i wany her to be happy without drugs. i wish she could be happy with just me

i hate this
hate hate hate it. i dont want to do weed. i fucking wish id never told Lauren about Nusaybah having a fuckin spliff. i fucked up everything and now im gonna lose her. i want her to stop. and she said shed do anything for me. and id do anything for her. thats why i go along with it because she wants to but MMMF idk what i want anymore
strange urge in head telling me to kill self and i dont like it

I feel quite meh. dunno why. i hate my mum she ate all the stir fry. but then my head is telling me i dont want to eat and i dont think i do want to eat so ill just drink stuff instead. i can feel myself getting pissed off with everything. my mother my sister, why wont they just THINK for once, why wont mum help me get a fucking job when she knows i cant do that alone i just fucking cant WHY cant i fuck about with wax in my room WHY cant i do the stuff i wanna do hmm? why wont Lauren answer the age old question are you allowed round tomorrow why does she still want weed, will she ever not want weed, when will anything go right and fucking stay right?? sure things were right today but they fucking arent now
fuck this

Ok these are letters I wrote to something a few days ago and one of them was today

"Why am I feeling sad? Idk Somethin better come along and cheer me up. cba with feeling like this all day. why the fuck can i not have jsut one day to be happy? maybe its something stupid like emma laughing at me when my phone went off. maybe its because Laurens fucktard father wont let her stay round mine cuz shes 'always round mine' which it bollocks btw/ its one fucking night. once a ewek is not always. fucking wish she was always at mine. maybe i wouldnt be such a miserable git. well fuck them. as soon as im 18 im getting out. i dont care if i live in a shed. i dont care where i am as long as i got Lauren. but id rather Lauren live somewhere nicer than a shed. if we're even still 'we' when im 18 which is like 500 days or something. i hope we are. im happy like this. i hope Lauren is. not happy when shes not allowed to stay over though. ill be happy on saturday. we are going to charnwood waters to chain smoke and eat cookies. and i am going to find and steal my sisters camera or i will buy a disposable one from savers because on google charnwood waters looks pretty and i like tking ictures of pretty things. Lauren is pretty. she doesnt think she is but she is. she is perfect to me.
i feel a bit happier now. except for emma just being there but she isnt worth the shit on my garden. i think dani is ignoring me now. ah well. i have a Lauren. i dont need anyone else. that includes you mister. im not even gonna aknowledge your name anymore mainly because ive forgotten wether or not i even gave you one and you dont deserve one anyway"

"Ha ha youre not getting meeeee. but of course you know how i feel about this weed business. special occasions only is how id like it but ofc you know i do whatever Lauren does. if it gets too much you know theres a chance than ill start talking to you again. i dont want to but you fucking know how close i got yesterday. ill smoke the stuff but i hate seeing Lauren do it more than me. and getting all "just one more burn" with it all.. i dont want to lose her to drugs. ill mke some sort of deal with you. if Lauren and me become un-Lauren and me you can come back for a few days a week, k? but right now im happy and im trying to have a good life. and i dont want this to end now ive got Lauren. i want Lauren to stay. shes better than you. she doesnt hurt me and you do. she doesnt want me to be miserable and you do. and she loves me. i think. i hope.. you just like me being here so i can be the next thing you ruin. well this could be my one chane at happiness so i gonna try my damned hardest to keep hold of it. it it ends youll be here until another chance comes along. you do not have permission to fuck up possible chances, including this one. thats the deal. if it goes by istelf then you can come back for a bit. thats it. im making the rules. and you can fucking leave Lauren alone too."

BWA HA HA
epic day yesterday
charnwood waters - epic photos, random geese things, random rusty trolley, random SQUIRRELS! im jealous of Laurens photo taking abilities and her fucking epic camera on her phone (la di da)
mcdonalds for lunch - random woman calling me a tramp cuz i shoved an ice cube down Laurens trousers. not my fault if the fly isnt done up. and fyi random woman, i was not "sticking my finger up her fanny" and you should have been paying more attention to your food in case some homeless guy sees youre not looking and nicks a french fry. and youre fucking lucky. where my family come from theres wee boys of 10 years old who'd sooner whack you in the face than let you finish yer sentence.
park after getting chips - whacked some bitchy chav round the legs with my argos catalogues for taking the piss outta Lauren and for being a chav. stalked them a wee bit. sat in a tree (see facebook for evidence). scared off a few chavvy girls by making loud sex noises xD drank a wee bit of rum. then were loitering having a fag for a while and some random chavvy lads of about 9 years old come skin for a fag and tellin us where we can get weed!?! not from the likes of you i say. so they throu wet loo roll at us. im not havin it. i say i wanna hit them. so i goes along the back of the bushes and picks up a n old bit of wood to throw at them when they go by. but no, they head back to where Lauren is. so i goes that way too. little runt walks past me. sos i WHACKIMINTHEFACE so hard the nice bit of wood smashes against his jaw :) so he throws wet loo roll again. that the best you can do? aaah next time ill beat you senseless. stick yre chavvy gear up yer jacksie and castrate you with a cheese grater. mebbe ill drown ye after. AAAH run ya little shit.
got told the 27 isnt going to sorrel so went to go sit under a bridge. fancied trying to get served one last time on the way (previous 2 times failed). woman just asks me if im over 18. of course i am, im 19. whatcha think im gonna say? no, im 12 just fancied tryin to pull the wool over yer eyes there. nice pack of 10 marlboro red there which we both smoked under the bridge while feeding old biscuits to the ducks. and throwing a beer bottle in the river and tryin to make it float. i lost it. spent about half an hour tryin to hook the thing back to us with a stick only a few centimetres too short lol. shared a wee bag of jelly cherries (try sayin that 50 times when yer drunk)
went back for buses. sat waiting for a while. :( said bye byes to Lauren. the epic bus drive spoke to me about my sexuality and "wait until my life is sorted then look for girlfriend" psssh. im happy now, never mine in ten years time man. meep
got home. bored. did fuck all. except talk to Lauren on msn and dye my hair black.
i misses Lauren
i guess i may as well put sunday in here too. made odd thing out of wax. did some cool stuff with fabric. made mess :)
miss Lauren.
has no baccy cuz my grandad went logging so am getting it tomorrow. stole £26.60 from my mums boyfriends pocket. if you ask me he shouldnt have left his jeans on the floor. Lauren, if anyone asks you, i found it under the bridge k?
now im kinda bored and i might go sleep soon.
meow.
p.s. to whoever controls the universe and everything, dont make Lauren addicted to weed please. shes too nice to be a druggie type.

ugg i feel mmf and i cant be bothered to fight it now
Lauren isnt allowed to stay over and that means jemma not get snuggles and that mean jemma be very miserable on friday night and that means jemma doesnt know what she will do and jemma doesnt want to do anything but jemma cba to try not to do anything if that makes sense. ugh
come get me if you want me, bitch
you know who you are

i know youre there. and im not having it. i told you to fuck off for good and i damn well meant it. i tell you now im not letting you get me. you can bash at my head all day but it wont get you anywhere. ive already decided.
you realise you make me feel shit and you enjoy it. youre fucking sick. you know how to get to me and ou used that to your advantage. yes youve left plenty of your marks on my skin but it doesnt mean you still control me. I control me now. I kicked you out. MY head MY body MY RULES. go find someone who wants you. i hate the way you made me feel and i dont want it anymore. begging wont work. im fighting you. ill kill every little bit of you if its the last thing i do. but you wont win that easy oh no. ill beat the shit out of you every fucking day for the rest of my life until get it through your thick fucking head that YOURE NOT GETTING IN HERE

1. Make Lauren happy
2. Go to Skeggy on the train
3. Cover my walls with paintings
4. Go back to Cornwall
5. Get to a size 14
6. See Billy Connolly live
7. Help Lauren stop s/h
8. Go camping / to a camp out
9. Get stoned with Lauren, and I mean really stoned
10. Meet someone else from help.com

hmm today marks one week technically and we did kinda celebrate by sharing 4 spliffs (oopsie) but the urge is trying to get in my head again and ive been used to just giving in, but i dont want to. but part of me thinks its just easier to mmf.
plus im kinda worried about Lauren if she gets into weed a lot. umm
i really want to do a huge painting on my wall but my mum will flip out so idk what to do cuz i got a lot of time to kill before i hve to go shower and stuff.
so i guess im just thinking.

OMG so today was kinda good. like really good. spent an hour on the school bus just going thru barrow cuz of the fecking floods, that wasnt really good. skived 2nd lesson with Lauren, eating pastry things and such. she fixed my arm again.
lesson 3 boring as fuck. picked Lauren up from maths and met a rather nice smell coming from a ciggie packet. grabbed Lauren, followed the spliff *FOLLOW THE SPLIFF!!!* snuck out to the back of the sports hall and did 2 burn passes on this massive weedthing :D then of course i wanted more pastry to i had to argue with some random woman who wouldnt let me out then i kinda ran out when the door opened. then had to argue with the same woman to get back in with my cookies and pastry and biscuits and pepsi and MARSHMALLOWS!!!! and i bought a fucken potato for lunch. still hungry when i got home
bit mehh at lunch i guess but it was accidental so lets forget about that because its not really that bad. and and and Lauren get her science results back and goddamnit they were all A's she is so fuckin smart im jealous. grr. i loves her so fucking much. meow. SQUEAKY SQUEAKY
anywhoozlebees time for me to go get some baccyyy hehehehe

Ok so Jemma had a bad dream sort of thing in which someone attempted suicide. I know. Not nice. But Jemma managed to make a poem out of it and make it less sad (I hope).

I see you lying there
Your painted nails and messed up hair
Blood dripping on the floor
Almost the same as the time before

I know the difference though
This time you don't really want to go

I see it in your eyes
As you let out one of those
pain filled, heart breaking cries
To tell me you don't want goodbye

My silent tears land
On the blade, still in
your bloodstained hand
I take it, and you try to stand

To fall into my arms
You tell me that you know
you've caused a lot of harm
You wish your mind and soul were calm


And it doesn't make sense when you say
That I deserve better than you
just because you make me cry somedays
I'm happy you're still with me today

I'll stay with you no matter what you do
I won't let you throw your life away -
I'm here to help you see it all through
And every day, I'll make sure I say
That I will always love you x

RIGHT
YOU WON THIS TIME
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF
I WONT LET YOU WIN SO EASY NEXT TIME I TELL YOU THAT NOW. THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN A SICK FUCKER LIKE YOU. YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF
I DONT NEED YOU, NEVER HAVE SO FUCK OFF BACK TO WHICHEVER DUSTY CORNER YOU CAME FROM. THATS RIGHT, IM TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO.
DONT LIKE IT? TOUGH SHIT. YOUVE RULED ME FOR LONG ENOUGH AND ITS MY TURN NOW. MY LIFE, MY RULES. I WAS STUPID TO LET YOU IN NOW IM KICKING YOU BACK OUT
GEDDIT?
GOOD
NOW PACK YOUR BAGS, MISTER S/H, YOURE ON YER WAY
YOU WONT DRAG ME DOWN

just fuck off
i dont want you in my head i never wanted you in my head
all i want is to be happy with Lauren and youre making me think that all i want is to hurt myself right now and now that is what i want but i dont want to be left behind but i dont want Lauren to cut so are you happy now? im confused and scared and shaky and the blades are next to me and a pile of tissues
i think youve already decided that im going to do it but i dont fucking want to
i dont want to make Lauren fail but i dont want to be left behind
you evil piece of shit. if you were a person id fucking drown you in all the blood you took from me you bastard
why wont you let me stop? i know youre getting fun out of this but whats in it for me? FUCK ALL is whats in it for me
why not go pick on someone who enjoys the feeling they get from you?
just leave me the fuck alone

When one is trying to quit S/H and when one has an urge:

✗
Avoid hospital shows like casualty and holby city
Tempting though it may be to just "see how hard it is to remove that blade" dont fucking do it
Avoid situations that normally make you cry / get pissed off
Dont listen to sad music

✓
Paint
Draw
Write
Talk to someone who knows how you feel and who can help you
Make something pretty
Watch something that makes you piss your pants laughing even though its really not that funny. Hell put it on yer iPod.
DANCE
Make a list of good stuff thats happened and make one of good stuff to look forward to like seeing friends, and then plan it and grin wildly.
Excercise
Never thought id say it, but tidy. Might take yer mind off it.
And if you must do so, masturbate. "A wank a day keeps the doctor away"

ahh Lauren raped me lol
we made brownie :D
ehhh
idk
do i? no
hm
i think i is an emotional wreck and it scares me because sometimes i dont feel like crying but then i just randomly start crying and i hate it cuz i dont really have a reason. cuz ive cried like 3 times already and its for like, little things. and idk why.
and for some reason if i get pissed off i just wont talk. but then i feel bad if i dont talk to Lauren but then i talk in sign language but she cant understand sign language so i have to talk and sometimes i just want to shut up and meh.
i dont want to want to stop talking. but sometimes i jsut have to concentrate on shutting up otherwise i might start concentrating on shit things.
i love Lauren
i want to make her happy. i dont know how to.
life sure is a bitch. lol here i come droppin plates on your ass bitch

ok so we are fucked again slightly because of my mothers stupidness and my inactive brain
i am technically in an unoficial relationship (that confuses even me and im the one writing the thing)
i am cold
this hair dye sucks
tomorrow is friday
sleep at Laurens
omfg
i want brandy (hahaha swallowing brandy tastes like swallowing jizz)
i want to play guitar but i cant lol
omg i think i went mad
look how much wasted space i could have just put it all on one line like this and kept on going like this without pressing enter or i could save even more space and type withoutusingthespacebarattheendofeachword
LOL ohmygod someone help me i think im happy again WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ^^
i wonder ig this sentence will make sense if i type iw withour looking at the ketbpars
lol no it doesnt
well actully someone could probably work out what it says but not everything is spelt right lol
do i care? i think not
omg
xD
radadadaaaaaaaaa

Idk why I feel so crappy. I hate not knowing. I hate thinking what if.

Love is the most unexplainable emotion around. There is no real definition for it. Everyones experiences are different.
I think when you care so much about someone, youd go to hell and back for them, kill, torture or die for them, thats love. When you actually know youd die without them and cant imagine life without them, youre in love.
When Im with you, and you have that smile on your face, and your eyes light up, and I realise this is what I wanted all along, this is what Id do anything to hold onto, I know Im in love.


"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

I want someone to say yes
-or-
I want to be the one to say yes.
I want someone to follow wherever I go.
I want someone to know when I need cheering up.
I want something thats forever, no strings attached.

Good stuff.
Lauren is coming over tomorrow.
20 days.
I painted stuff.
I am currently speaking to Lauren.

Bad stuff.
mums being a bitch again.
Massive all-day-long urge.
I want cake and there is no cake.
I am single. I think.
I am cold.
I am lonely.
I want to write a poem but I cant fucken think.

Let this prove that there are more bad things than good therefore providing reason for my current meh-ness.

I want to be someones favourite
I want to be someones "the one"
I want someone to drop everything and come see me when Im sad
I want someone to want to call or come round to see me everyday just to ask how Im doing
I want someone to open up an IM conversation as soon as they see Im online.
I want someone to love me most
I want someone to be able to make me laugh so hard I cry
I want someone to miss me when I go
I want someone to grin like an idiot when I come back
I want someone I love to love me too.

Poem

You won't need to say a word
It doesn't always have to be heard
Because I can see it in your face
Every struggle, and every race
You know you'll either win or lose
Happiness or scar tissue

But I'm proud of you, babe
We both know you won today

Who's to say what comes tomorrow
Will you get joy or maybe sorrow?
It won't matter, my love, either way
I'll do what I can to keep you safe
You're the reason I'm no longer bleeding
You won my heart, I'll help you win your freedom

xxx