Eh

Hmmf
Paint
Mmf
Paint
Mmf
What do I do?? I dont know.
Hmm..There were 34..I threw the last one away..For you..You deserve better than me..
I love you but I cant cope with it all. Im ready for anything, but I cant do it..I know it makes no sense..
I just cant cope with the loneliness after. The hole in my heart.. I cant bring myself to close it..
I love you...

Hmm.

I seem to have found myself thinking about death and suicide an such. I dont even know why. Life on average is going considerably well. Though at a time like this its hard to see it. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I feel like dancing and the next I just want to sit and cry and mmf and take paracetamol. Which isnt really sensible since I now feel sick. Im thinking too far ahead. I dont know what ill do when its Laurens birthday. Ill get to see her, but then shell be wth Connor all the time and I am barely coping now, how am I going to cope for 4 days? How the hell am I going to cope when she goes to Turkey because she wont be able to text and it will be like that for 2 weeks with just nothing and I have a feeling that I am going to go insane, if Im this bad now..I wont do anything tonight. I feel too ill. Lauren will be the reason I dont do anything..I think its just after so much closeness last night its like a massive come down now Im alone. I dont really have a good reason to do it tonight, cant be bothered anyway, just want to go to sleep. And as for suicide, cant be bothered with that either. I dont want to throw away the negatives if it means I lose the positives too. I refuse to lose Lauren. I know things can and will get better. I also know theyll probably take a long time, but I hang on every day just in case they decide to happen tomorrow.

Hmm hehe
Epic day at Laurens. Even more epic night.. Fucking best night of my life I think.

I feel a bit miserable now though.. my head is fucked up.. I keep crying at stuff..Eh.
Ima paint stuff.

Stuff I miss.

The spamming of facebook things Lauren would post on my wall.
The texts she used to send.
Butterflies.
The feeling that she wouldnt leave me.
The feeling that I was important.
Snuggles behind the mobiles.
The thing that made it special that doesnt seem to be there anymore.
The plait in my hair.
Butterflies.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I now have better paper stitches and a big plaster so they dont come off. And Mrs G wasnt even around for me to go see her so wtf was that all about. Im making a cake.
Remember the vodka and flints and ligher fluid and ciggies. And the cake! Must take the cake. And the sketchbook! Yes.. Its all coming together now...
Ooh Skins tonight..
And Im staying at Laurens tomorrowww.. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHEHEEEHEEHEHEEEHAAAAaaaaaaaa

I like spoons.

Im not quite sure what to say.. :)

So
I discovered Lauren did it in the morning because she fell asleep before she got a chance to do it in the night. So I did too. But I got worried because one of them was very deep and Lauren said I might need stitches, even after shed put paper stitches on. I went to medical and ended up telling Jenny, which I never intended to do. But she had a look and cleaned the cuts and bandaged me and I texted Lauren and she came too and she got hers cleaned up too and bandaged. And I needed to smoke so I went out and got us marshmallows and chocolate too. And then Mrs Gordon (who I actually fucking hate) came to have a chat with me which resulted in me crying and her saying my mum needed to know and that basically if I didnt tell her tonight shed have to tell her tomorrow. Then we had to go so we went and I saw Sarah and I told her what Id done to my face and arms and about nearly being carted off to the Walk In Centre for stitches and medical and Lauren and she even said maybe its not a good idea for Lauren and me to be together but to be honest I think if we really really try, we can fight it together and beat it. I dont want something like that ruining my life and future. I want a future. Fuck it, I want a future with Lauren, and I am not going to let anything or anyone mess that up.
Anyway. Sarah said it would be good for my mum to know, because shed want to know about it. And I decided Id tell her. And Lauren would be there too because she was coming round so she would be there for me.
So we went back to medical 10 minutes efore the ed of the day. Lauren was rebandaged and theres a possibility we may be going to see the school nurse. Mrs Gordon wants to talk to me tomorrow about how it went with my mum. And I think Jenny wants to check them again.
And then we went home. And played on the Wii. And had snuggles. And kisses. And crumpets. And then when my mum came home, I told her. And it was fucking fine. She didnt cry or hug me a lot or anything. I just told her I got angry with stuff sometimes. I didnt tell her I cut my face, were sticking to the "I fell in a bush story here". But I showed her my arms and my hands and my tummy. And its all fine. And I feel a whole lot better about it. And tonight, for the first time in months, Im sleeping without my armwarmers, jacket, gloves on. And it feels fucking wonderful :)
Lauren is going to put paper stitches and tape on the deep one tomorrow and shes finally going to do my plait again, otherwise Im going to eat her right ear. And I feel closer to her aftertoday in medical I think. They were nice, the staff members who came to talk to us. Not Mrs G though. Shes horrible. But Bev and Maxine definitely. Maxine was shocked. I think I was too.
Today was good. Despite everything. Im not hiding anymore. And its ok. And Im ok. And I love Lauren more than ever. And she loves me. And I think life might actually turn out reasonably ok now :)

Ok you want my dreams do you? HERE
comic book like



There. Now you know.

aaagh. you fucking better stop soon. i have never regretted anything in my life until you happened. grr. youre ugly and numb and i want you gone..

well be ok. we have to be ok. we hve to make tomorrow be a good day. or thursday or fridy but w have to make tomorrw a good day too. you have to be ok. please

mmf
please stop.. i need you to stop.. i need you to be okay.. i wont leave you either way, id just love it if you stopped..
mmf..
thank you for telling me the truth, no matter what it may lead to

This one is Marley. As you can see, he has a spliff. He likes his spliffs.

I made this square sock person. He is named Stripes Marshmallow "Confused Face" The Second.



I also made these glove things. (There are 2 of them, but I couldnt hold both my hands up AND take the photo at the same time. Well. I suppose I could have asked someone to do it for me, but that would be using logic, of which I have none).

Letters

Lauren ~

Im sorry about last night. I dont think I wanted to die. I want a life. A good one. With you. You make me happy. Last night didnt prove that, I know, but I didnt do anything else besides what you already know. I want to be strong for you. I just wish it was easier. I could get to you any time of day if you needed me. I think Ive always had that in my head. Someone calling me in the middle of the night saying they needed me, and me abandoning everything to bike to them and help them. I know Id like that. For someone to drop everything to be with me at a time of need. Maybe thats why my head tells me that I dont mean as much to you as you do to me. When in fact its just not that simple for you. You dont know how to get to mine if I need you. And even if you did, its not that easy for you to get away from home. Theres more at stake if you get in trouble. Not being allowed to see me. No money. No internet. I rely on EMA, I have a bike, a laptop with wireless and theres not much anyone can do in terms of grounding me - Im 16, I can leave home when I like.
Which brings me to my next point. I wish you could live with me. But that requires 2 things. You wanting to, and if thats a go, we both have to wait. And me and my head dont like waiting. It just makes us think that the longer we have to leave it, the more time we have to change our minds. And I know I dont want to change my mind. I want to be with you. I want to be able to take care of you, because I like when you take care of me. I want to be able to make you to feel like I do. I need you. I love you. And I mean it. Youre everything I want. My head just wont let me see it. But I know. My heads an idiot. Its my heart I need to follow.


Me ~

Stop it. Stop being so fucking ungrateful. You have someone who loves you no matter what. Yes there are some things you dont like but thats life. Go with the good stuff because you have no idea how long its going to last - make the most of it. And fucking give her a reason not to leave you cuz you know damn well youll hate yourself if she does. Get out of this hole, this rut youre in. Give her someone to look up to, someone to be proud of. Someone to say "I wish I was like her" about. You know youd love it if someone wanted to be just like you, for all the good reasons. Do whatever she wants. Never make her cry again if you can help it. Make her feel loved, if you know how. And if you dont know, ask her. Dont shout at her again. If she has an urge dont make it worse with a rant. Rant later when she says its ok. Dont make her worry. But dont lie. Dont make her do anything she doesnt want to. Dont make her pissed off. Just dont do it. Treat her like the epic wonderful girl she is. Make her feel like you do if you can work out how. Or do your damn hardest. Do your damn hardest to protect her from what you can, by whatever means necessary. Dont be the reason she falls. Be the reason she rises above everything and everyone else. If you can, be the thing that makes her smile every day. And be the thing that makes her want to keep going, just to see what tomorrow will bring.

meh.
i feel like mmf. i cnt see Lauren tomorrow before i go to my dads cuz shs "busy". and i need something to look forward too. and idk when ima see her again so i cant look forward to that. prolly ages away anyway.
i want to mmf.

hmmf. kinda fucked it. i blame my phone
if id got the texts in the night when they were sent i think i prolly woulda been ok. grr
i cant be bothered to do it right now but i will before i go to sleep. meh. then im stopping. i really want to. im sick of it now. im sure i dont want this.
im sure i want to be happy and i want Lauren to be happy too.
i just feel bad cuz shes gonna do it now and i dont want her to. if i hadnt have done it she prolly wouldnt be doing it. grr.

I decided to make a list of stuff that may or not make me strange.

1. I hate unexpected loud noises. They scare me.
2. I run my fingers along the walls when I walk because it makes me feel safe.
3. I have my music on all the time so I cant be distracted by things other people are saying.
4. I like collecting springs and circuit boards.
5. I dont like people looking at me.
6. I dont talk if Im sad or angry and it makes it worse if people yell at me.
7. I have a lot of stuff in my head and I need to get the bad stuff out as soon as I can otherwise it all gets worse.
8. I blink to the rythum of whatever song I listen to.
9. I sit in corners when Im sad or angry because it makes me feel safe.
10. I like being with adilts more than kids because I feel safer. Lauren is an exception to this because she makes me feel safe too like when I have an urge or when she fixed my arm so it wouldnt go keloid and because she loves me more than anybody else does. Sarah loves me too but I think Lauren loves me more.
11. I draw trees a lot.
12. I listen to the same song over and over again to maintain my mood.
13. I dont like being touched unless I know about it beforehand like hugs or holding hands.
14. I dont like it when people touch my things.
15. I s/h.
16. I still get urges to s/h but very very bad ones.
17. I get urges to do stupid things like trash my room, and worse.
18. I refuse to eat anything thats out of date, even if it sonly by one day.
19. I hate making eye contact.
20. I hate when people tell me to calm down when Im already calm because then I get not calm.
21. I have to turn plug sockets off it theres nothing plugged into them.
22. Once I get myself into a routine I like to stick to it.
23. I dont like when things change. Like school day plans or when things just stop happening.
24. I dont like being left alone. It scares me.
25. I keep things that people have given me if those people are special like the pen Jackie gave me 2 years ago and the chocolate box from Sarah and the truffle box from Lauren.
26. I keep bowling printouts. When I play bowling I must get a printout at the end of the game.
27. I talk to myself.
28. I pretend people are there when theyre not and I talk to them. Its like in a dream but Im awake and I sort of act it out.
29. I draw lots of swirly patterns like trees.
30. I hate the idea of sex.
31. I like being talked to. Dont look at me like Im crazy, just talk to me and be nice to me.
32. If Im already miserable dont yell at me. Wait until Im not feeling crap because I dont know what will happen if its made worse.
33. When I find myself in an uncomfortable situation I will stop talking and stare at something or I will run away.
34. I stare all the time and dont know Im doing it. I only know if people tell me or ask me what Im looking at.
35. I go out in cold weather in shorts and T Shirt.
36. I dont like being grabbed from behind and pulled. It scares me.
37. I dont like sudden movements.
38. I dont like it when people walk really close behind me.
39. I copy peoples writing if I decide its pretty.
40. I often try to write left handed.
41. I collect bottles like Miniature Whisky bottles and Vodka bottles and such.
42. I like letters. If someone writes me a letter I keep it in a special place because its special.
43. Sometimes I dont know how to say no to people. Like when I really dont want Scott to come round but I end up letting him anyway.
44. I bike up hills just to free wheel down them standing up on the pedals not holding on in the middle of the night when its cold.
45. I remember strange facts about people. And car registration plates.
46. I can play music in my head but only if Im alone.
47. I hate wearing shoes.
48. I get strange urges to kill myself.
49. Sometimes I like to sleep in my closet.
50. The thought of growing up living alone scares me because if theres nobody there who will I talk to when I get scared and who will I fight s/h with and who will take care of me and who will I get to take care of?

idk what happened to the post from last night..maybe its better i didnt put it up here now..
idk how i feel atm kinda meh i suppose. ceebs with anything really. my fingers hurt too much. i think im getting paranoid again..Lauren said somethin about changing facebook status but thus far, she hasnt so my head is telling me that she didnt really want to or that i imagined it. maybe she changed her mind. maybe she forgot. maybe she cba...idk. BE HAPPY FUCKSAKE
3 WEEKS FOR THE WIN

I has a cookie