ohmygod. today was weird. i went on a trip with my leisure and tourism class. to nottingham. to see the galleries of juscite and the city of caves. the caves were crappy and i was bored and i went a bit funny and wouldnt go anywhere, but the LSA who was with me (cos i needed to be under supervision - one trip i went AWOL) told me she'd come on the trip with me cos she wanted to spend the day with me as opposed to being school teaching.and i asked why and she said cos she likes me. which made me cry. so i went and rejoined the group and she said thank you, and that she was glad i was here. and that made me cry too. and she kept asking what was making me sad but i couldnt tell her there. when we finished in the caves, i sat on the floor cos i didnt want to sit next to anyone. when we went to go, she held out her hand and she helped me up. i thought about what she said and cried a bit more. she told me that i didnt have to tell her why i was sad if i didnt want to. we were nearly at the bus and by this time i was crying a fair wee bit. so she took me aside and i tried to talk. i told her 'There aren't many people like you.' and i was crying so much she couldnt hear and i had to say it again. and she said it was such a sweet thing to say and she hugged me and i hugged back. but it wasnt just a quick hug, she didnt let go. and i still cried and she held me and she didnt seem to mind that i was crying. and we got in the minibus and i just stopped crying. and i wrote her a note saying why i cried. cos noone wants to spend a day with me and noone says theyre glad im there. and she told me shes not a liar and she means what she says. and she gave me a high five. we had to see if we had to sign in back at school and she came with us to make sure we didnt just leg it. when she had to go i said 'thank you for coming with me'.
It Is These People I Love The Most

and now there are threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! i only just seen him...awww.....

*i swear im going nuts*

i think im going to stop talking. i dont seem to say much good. i dont think people will notice. i only go downstairs to eat. maybe i dont do that either. noone would care. maybe noone would notice if i never left my room.

i hate me. i hate food. i am not eating anymore today. i dont care if i dont eat tomorrow. i dont care. ill bloody starve.

i wrote this a while ago. i feel like this now though.

-Because I Love You-
For you I will fade away,
Someone new will take my place,
Though it’s no big void to fill,
It should make a change of pace.
You wont miss me when I’m gone,
As I’ll take the stress with me,
You’ll find as the days go by,
You can breathe more easily.
I’m sure of where I’m going,
And I think I’ll be ok,
I don’t want you to worry,
Please don’t think of me today.
I’d like you to forget me,
So close your eyes really tight,
Block me from your memory,
It will help you sleep tonight.

i think i think i cause trouble for the people i love most. i wouldnt like to be forgotten, but if it will help to make them happy then...
i love them. i dont want to make them sad.

i has been painting. its odd. one of them looks like a shocked zebra. in a good way. i think i am angry. i dont know. i have been drinking mouthwash, which isnt the best idea. i have been driving. fun stuff. i didnt crash or kill anyone. :)
i feel really random. i should sleep. i have to go somewhere in the morning too... i want cookies. i dunno.
i am told that radish is a meat
i am told that cheese is magnetic
i am told a lot of things. i forget most of them i think. i dont believe the two above things. when einstein proves them to me i will believe.

i have nothing to say today. i think. i dunno. i am lonely and have been drinking beer and have eaten little today and i think i have 10 mins until i wish i was dead.

oooo myyyy gaaaaaaaaaaad i have been a week without a ciggie. yay me!!!!!! YAY! and WOOT! and LA!

im so lonely i could die, just to have something to do. why? i dunno. ah well.

oh my god now there are two of them!!!!!!!!!! and the other one is so tiny! its not even standing up yet but i can see it!!!!!

ohmygod i ****ing hate my 'sister'. she wants me to come help her convert media on her laptop and she expects me to drop everything to go help her. well though shit im busy. i have to be a mod on help.com chat and keep the perverts away and its not easy when they talk so damn fast and say so many damn things you cant keep up with who you gotta ban and even when you ban them they can go on private chat with you and you cant ban them on that so you just have to close it when they say something but they can still say stuff and GOD. i feel violated. you tell them to **** off but do they? no. i could quit being a mod but who would take care of them all then? noone. so i do it. i swear i could kill them all.
so there 'sis' that i what i do. id rather keep perverrs away from people who are trying to get help that help you. especially since you just said 'that selfish brat needs help'. im not selfish. my priorities are different to yours. id rather keep perverts away from my internet family.

ohmygod. my brother is amazing. he understands so much...doesnt mind helping or talking to me...how did i get so lucky to have him? i dunno. im glad i do have him though.
he knows psychology ( i have no idea if i spelt that right ) and he talked to me about my 'family' and why i forget to tell my mum things, but i remember to tell my friends the same sort of things. like, with my 'mum' i dont remember the 'important things', cos theyre not important to me, but with my friends i remember the things that dont seem to mean so much to others. and i remember my friends birthdays and i get their cards and prezzies in advance, but i totally forget that its my 'mum's birthday tomorrow... he says it sounds like a passive agressive attack on my 'mum'. which makes sense. we think i stopped liking her when she got her boyfriend. i think i feel left out, like she loves him and my 'sister' more that me. so i dont love her. or any of them. they never pay me any attention cos my 'sister' gets it all so i make trouble to get attention. well. i did. i cant be bothered now. i dont want them anyway. i live in the internet now. and my mp3 player. i love my internet family and friends more that my 'real family'. and i love my RL friends even more.
god, this was a long post... but see, through ranting to myself i realise why i hate my 'mum'. madness helps. *commence idiot-grinning, dancing and so forth...*

i have named my tree bellia. so i dont have to call it 'tree' when i talk to it. i know that makes me sound crazy but :P i am. so there.

ooooh myyyyyy gaaaaaaaaaaad my little tree is standing up all on its own nearly...! its so damn cute...with its first leaves chewed a bit grr... silly bug. there was a little slug on it...tut tut... :] i picked it up on a pencil and threw it out if the window... *commence smug grin* the slug i mean... i think it liked flying... ah well. if it didnt theres nothing i can do now. yeeeheeeeheeeeeeee...

i should sleep....i mean, look at the time.... i may kill someone in the morning...
shussssh! dont tell anyone...

why do i stay up so late?

ohmygod. i hate her! i ****ing hate her. she wont give me any pocket money until i make an appointment with a doctor cos somethings drastically wrong with me. cos i didnt call last night. to say i was staying home. i dont seem to know how to show i care about stuff, other than to hug someone when theyre upset. and even so i dont like hugging a lot of people. not family, its uncomfortable. i like hugging my friends. i dont like my family at all. i dont love any of them. except my second cousin and i hardly see her.
and now she calls and says shes only trying to help. well shes not doing a very good job of it! ooh they love me too, and always will. see, that means nothing to me when it comes from family. i dont know why. ah well. *sigh* and shes just checking i got home ok. hmm, well considering you called 5 mins after i left your house and i live round the corner from you and i picked up the HOME PHONE, yeah. i figure i got home ok. they hope ill come round soon and talk about it when ive thought about it. yeah, of course i will. *shakes head* love you, she says. yeah. *commence air-quotes* love you too, nan.

oh my god why cant my mum just ****ing leave me alone?????? i ****ing hate her. doesnt she get that?

and now i am sad. see how quickly it changes? the effect of my beer takes over quickly + i am lonely beyond belief therefore i am sad.
i dont know how that even happened. its confusing. :(

holy shit!!!!! oh my god!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! one of my trees is growing !!!!!!!!
you have no idea how ****ing good this is!!!!! you have no idea how much im grinning and squealing like an idiot!!!!!! :D
i grew nearly 30 0f them before. and they all died because of the cold :(. but i am growing them in my room!!!!! beat that weather! *gives cold weather the finger*
i have some in little plant pots sitting on my radiator and i take care of them every day with watering them and talking to them like an eccentric person. (eccentric is crazy for smart people).
and now...one of them is poking its little head out of the soil! and its so cute!!! and it is the most fan-****ing-tastic sight in the world!!!!!!!!
you think im mad dont you? a mad little girl who is obsessed with the planet and global warming and trees and grows them in her room? well. you are right!!! and you know what? i dont care. i am happy. *~lalala~*

oh for gods sake, why cant they leave me alone? they call, disrupt my evening, what do they want from me? i dunno. well they can forget it. im not going. they call again? im staying right here. im not here. i fell asleep. i dont care. im not ****ing going anywhere.

uugh. valentines day. hate hate hate.
ignore me. it is just because i am alone and my 'mother' is going off to a hotel with her bf. i am supposed to go stay and my grandparents, but will i? no, i think not. i shall stay here. key is in lock so NOONE is getting in unless i say so. and i will not say so. if i go to my nans i will eat things and i do not want to. i eat soup, and that is it. does noone get it? no. why? because they dont ****ing listen. and i will have to sleep at a 'normal time' - what is that? i dunno. with tidiness around me. ack. too tidy there. here everything is on the floor and i know its all there in some order. but there everything is on shelves. its odd.
aaaaaaaand now there is calm and singing. the singing of a mad teenager. yarr

oh my god. i am sick of people posting **** on help.com. why do they get a kick out of taking the piss out of other peoples problems? you dont know...
its so stressful. i want to help people but theres all these prats to sort out when they spam other peoples posts and tell them to kill themselves. is that funny? no.

omfg. it frustrates me that im stuck here. there are people homeless with kids in america and i can do nothing. why will noone help them? because theyre too far up themselves to see it all.

hmm. im slightly confused. i dont know why.

i dont like the holidays. makes me wanna get up and walk forever just to have something to do. or stay in bed and sleep forever just to have nothing to do. but i cant be bothered to do either.

ah well
*sigh*