I felt like being destructive and slicing my face up. So instead of that I butchered my old phone.

Circuit boards are pretty.

mixture of up and downs. i cried when with Lauren though im not entirely sure why..prolly cuz she said she doesnt deserve to be pretty but she fucking does and she fucking is..stupid fucktard in chat callin me a pedo can go fuck himself. im not hurting anyone. happyish now. comedy. solitaire. bagpipes
BRING ON THE HAGGIS

its gonna be ok
half on thursday
one and a half on friday.
a fatty when we reach a month
then a fatty and two small ones when we go to skeggy.
get rid of cutting for good
stop smoking
be happy.
do something with my life.
i wanna get married. idk why im thinking aobut that when im only 16 but i feel like i do. i wanna be someones "the one". i wanna get married. on a beach. cornwall or scotland. in the middle of the fucking night. and i wanna be fucking happy.
im happy with Lauren. im saying nothing else. i like how we are right now, aside from the weed related issues and money and mmf and shit like that. i wany her to be happy without drugs. i wish she could be happy with just me

i hate this
hate hate hate it. i dont want to do weed. i fucking wish id never told Lauren about Nusaybah having a fuckin spliff. i fucked up everything and now im gonna lose her. i want her to stop. and she said shed do anything for me. and id do anything for her. thats why i go along with it because she wants to but MMMF idk what i want anymore
strange urge in head telling me to kill self and i dont like it

I feel quite meh. dunno why. i hate my mum she ate all the stir fry. but then my head is telling me i dont want to eat and i dont think i do want to eat so ill just drink stuff instead. i can feel myself getting pissed off with everything. my mother my sister, why wont they just THINK for once, why wont mum help me get a fucking job when she knows i cant do that alone i just fucking cant WHY cant i fuck about with wax in my room WHY cant i do the stuff i wanna do hmm? why wont Lauren answer the age old question are you allowed round tomorrow why does she still want weed, will she ever not want weed, when will anything go right and fucking stay right?? sure things were right today but they fucking arent now
fuck this

Ok these are letters I wrote to something a few days ago and one of them was today

"Why am I feeling sad? Idk Somethin better come along and cheer me up. cba with feeling like this all day. why the fuck can i not have jsut one day to be happy? maybe its something stupid like emma laughing at me when my phone went off. maybe its because Laurens fucktard father wont let her stay round mine cuz shes 'always round mine' which it bollocks btw/ its one fucking night. once a ewek is not always. fucking wish she was always at mine. maybe i wouldnt be such a miserable git. well fuck them. as soon as im 18 im getting out. i dont care if i live in a shed. i dont care where i am as long as i got Lauren. but id rather Lauren live somewhere nicer than a shed. if we're even still 'we' when im 18 which is like 500 days or something. i hope we are. im happy like this. i hope Lauren is. not happy when shes not allowed to stay over though. ill be happy on saturday. we are going to charnwood waters to chain smoke and eat cookies. and i am going to find and steal my sisters camera or i will buy a disposable one from savers because on google charnwood waters looks pretty and i like tking ictures of pretty things. Lauren is pretty. she doesnt think she is but she is. she is perfect to me.
i feel a bit happier now. except for emma just being there but she isnt worth the shit on my garden. i think dani is ignoring me now. ah well. i have a Lauren. i dont need anyone else. that includes you mister. im not even gonna aknowledge your name anymore mainly because ive forgotten wether or not i even gave you one and you dont deserve one anyway"

"Ha ha youre not getting meeeee. but of course you know how i feel about this weed business. special occasions only is how id like it but ofc you know i do whatever Lauren does. if it gets too much you know theres a chance than ill start talking to you again. i dont want to but you fucking know how close i got yesterday. ill smoke the stuff but i hate seeing Lauren do it more than me. and getting all "just one more burn" with it all.. i dont want to lose her to drugs. ill mke some sort of deal with you. if Lauren and me become un-Lauren and me you can come back for a few days a week, k? but right now im happy and im trying to have a good life. and i dont want this to end now ive got Lauren. i want Lauren to stay. shes better than you. she doesnt hurt me and you do. she doesnt want me to be miserable and you do. and she loves me. i think. i hope.. you just like me being here so i can be the next thing you ruin. well this could be my one chane at happiness so i gonna try my damned hardest to keep hold of it. it it ends youll be here until another chance comes along. you do not have permission to fuck up possible chances, including this one. thats the deal. if it goes by istelf then you can come back for a bit. thats it. im making the rules. and you can fucking leave Lauren alone too."

BWA HA HA
epic day yesterday
charnwood waters - epic photos, random geese things, random rusty trolley, random SQUIRRELS! im jealous of Laurens photo taking abilities and her fucking epic camera on her phone (la di da)
mcdonalds for lunch - random woman calling me a tramp cuz i shoved an ice cube down Laurens trousers. not my fault if the fly isnt done up. and fyi random woman, i was not "sticking my finger up her fanny" and you should have been paying more attention to your food in case some homeless guy sees youre not looking and nicks a french fry. and youre fucking lucky. where my family come from theres wee boys of 10 years old who'd sooner whack you in the face than let you finish yer sentence.
park after getting chips - whacked some bitchy chav round the legs with my argos catalogues for taking the piss outta Lauren and for being a chav. stalked them a wee bit. sat in a tree (see facebook for evidence). scared off a few chavvy girls by making loud sex noises xD drank a wee bit of rum. then were loitering having a fag for a while and some random chavvy lads of about 9 years old come skin for a fag and tellin us where we can get weed!?! not from the likes of you i say. so they throu wet loo roll at us. im not havin it. i say i wanna hit them. so i goes along the back of the bushes and picks up a n old bit of wood to throw at them when they go by. but no, they head back to where Lauren is. so i goes that way too. little runt walks past me. sos i WHACKIMINTHEFACE so hard the nice bit of wood smashes against his jaw :) so he throws wet loo roll again. that the best you can do? aaah next time ill beat you senseless. stick yre chavvy gear up yer jacksie and castrate you with a cheese grater. mebbe ill drown ye after. AAAH run ya little shit.
got told the 27 isnt going to sorrel so went to go sit under a bridge. fancied trying to get served one last time on the way (previous 2 times failed). woman just asks me if im over 18. of course i am, im 19. whatcha think im gonna say? no, im 12 just fancied tryin to pull the wool over yer eyes there. nice pack of 10 marlboro red there which we both smoked under the bridge while feeding old biscuits to the ducks. and throwing a beer bottle in the river and tryin to make it float. i lost it. spent about half an hour tryin to hook the thing back to us with a stick only a few centimetres too short lol. shared a wee bag of jelly cherries (try sayin that 50 times when yer drunk)
went back for buses. sat waiting for a while. :( said bye byes to Lauren. the epic bus drive spoke to me about my sexuality and "wait until my life is sorted then look for girlfriend" psssh. im happy now, never mine in ten years time man. meep
got home. bored. did fuck all. except talk to Lauren on msn and dye my hair black.
i misses Lauren
i guess i may as well put sunday in here too. made odd thing out of wax. did some cool stuff with fabric. made mess :)
miss Lauren.
has no baccy cuz my grandad went logging so am getting it tomorrow. stole £26.60 from my mums boyfriends pocket. if you ask me he shouldnt have left his jeans on the floor. Lauren, if anyone asks you, i found it under the bridge k?
now im kinda bored and i might go sleep soon.
meow.
p.s. to whoever controls the universe and everything, dont make Lauren addicted to weed please. shes too nice to be a druggie type.

ugg i feel mmf and i cant be bothered to fight it now
Lauren isnt allowed to stay over and that means jemma not get snuggles and that mean jemma be very miserable on friday night and that means jemma doesnt know what she will do and jemma doesnt want to do anything but jemma cba to try not to do anything if that makes sense. ugh
come get me if you want me, bitch
you know who you are

i know youre there. and im not having it. i told you to fuck off for good and i damn well meant it. i tell you now im not letting you get me. you can bash at my head all day but it wont get you anywhere. ive already decided.
you realise you make me feel shit and you enjoy it. youre fucking sick. you know how to get to me and ou used that to your advantage. yes youve left plenty of your marks on my skin but it doesnt mean you still control me. I control me now. I kicked you out. MY head MY body MY RULES. go find someone who wants you. i hate the way you made me feel and i dont want it anymore. begging wont work. im fighting you. ill kill every little bit of you if its the last thing i do. but you wont win that easy oh no. ill beat the shit out of you every fucking day for the rest of my life until get it through your thick fucking head that YOURE NOT GETTING IN HERE

1. Make Lauren happy
2. Go to Skeggy on the train
3. Cover my walls with paintings
4. Go back to Cornwall
5. Get to a size 14
6. See Billy Connolly live
7. Help Lauren stop s/h
8. Go camping / to a camp out
9. Get stoned with Lauren, and I mean really stoned
10. Meet someone else from help.com

hmm today marks one week technically and we did kinda celebrate by sharing 4 spliffs (oopsie) but the urge is trying to get in my head again and ive been used to just giving in, but i dont want to. but part of me thinks its just easier to mmf.
plus im kinda worried about Lauren if she gets into weed a lot. umm
i really want to do a huge painting on my wall but my mum will flip out so idk what to do cuz i got a lot of time to kill before i hve to go shower and stuff.
so i guess im just thinking.

OMG so today was kinda good. like really good. spent an hour on the school bus just going thru barrow cuz of the fecking floods, that wasnt really good. skived 2nd lesson with Lauren, eating pastry things and such. she fixed my arm again.
lesson 3 boring as fuck. picked Lauren up from maths and met a rather nice smell coming from a ciggie packet. grabbed Lauren, followed the spliff *FOLLOW THE SPLIFF!!!* snuck out to the back of the sports hall and did 2 burn passes on this massive weedthing :D then of course i wanted more pastry to i had to argue with some random woman who wouldnt let me out then i kinda ran out when the door opened. then had to argue with the same woman to get back in with my cookies and pastry and biscuits and pepsi and MARSHMALLOWS!!!! and i bought a fucken potato for lunch. still hungry when i got home
bit mehh at lunch i guess but it was accidental so lets forget about that because its not really that bad. and and and Lauren get her science results back and goddamnit they were all A's she is so fuckin smart im jealous. grr. i loves her so fucking much. meow. SQUEAKY SQUEAKY
anywhoozlebees time for me to go get some baccyyy hehehehe

Ok so Jemma had a bad dream sort of thing in which someone attempted suicide. I know. Not nice. But Jemma managed to make a poem out of it and make it less sad (I hope).

I see you lying there
Your painted nails and messed up hair
Blood dripping on the floor
Almost the same as the time before

I know the difference though
This time you don't really want to go

I see it in your eyes
As you let out one of those
pain filled, heart breaking cries
To tell me you don't want goodbye

My silent tears land
On the blade, still in
your bloodstained hand
I take it, and you try to stand

To fall into my arms
You tell me that you know
you've caused a lot of harm
You wish your mind and soul were calm


And it doesn't make sense when you say
That I deserve better than you
just because you make me cry somedays
I'm happy you're still with me today

I'll stay with you no matter what you do
I won't let you throw your life away -
I'm here to help you see it all through
And every day, I'll make sure I say
That I will always love you x

RIGHT
YOU WON THIS TIME
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF
I WONT LET YOU WIN SO EASY NEXT TIME I TELL YOU THAT NOW. THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN A SICK FUCKER LIKE YOU. YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF
I DONT NEED YOU, NEVER HAVE SO FUCK OFF BACK TO WHICHEVER DUSTY CORNER YOU CAME FROM. THATS RIGHT, IM TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO.
DONT LIKE IT? TOUGH SHIT. YOUVE RULED ME FOR LONG ENOUGH AND ITS MY TURN NOW. MY LIFE, MY RULES. I WAS STUPID TO LET YOU IN NOW IM KICKING YOU BACK OUT
GEDDIT?
GOOD
NOW PACK YOUR BAGS, MISTER S/H, YOURE ON YER WAY
YOU WONT DRAG ME DOWN

just fuck off
i dont want you in my head i never wanted you in my head
all i want is to be happy with Lauren and youre making me think that all i want is to hurt myself right now and now that is what i want but i dont want to be left behind but i dont want Lauren to cut so are you happy now? im confused and scared and shaky and the blades are next to me and a pile of tissues
i think youve already decided that im going to do it but i dont fucking want to
i dont want to make Lauren fail but i dont want to be left behind
you evil piece of shit. if you were a person id fucking drown you in all the blood you took from me you bastard
why wont you let me stop? i know youre getting fun out of this but whats in it for me? FUCK ALL is whats in it for me
why not go pick on someone who enjoys the feeling they get from you?
just leave me the fuck alone

When one is trying to quit S/H and when one has an urge:

✗
Avoid hospital shows like casualty and holby city
Tempting though it may be to just "see how hard it is to remove that blade" dont fucking do it
Avoid situations that normally make you cry / get pissed off
Dont listen to sad music

✓
Paint
Draw
Write
Talk to someone who knows how you feel and who can help you
Make something pretty
Watch something that makes you piss your pants laughing even though its really not that funny. Hell put it on yer iPod.
DANCE
Make a list of good stuff thats happened and make one of good stuff to look forward to like seeing friends, and then plan it and grin wildly.
Excercise
Never thought id say it, but tidy. Might take yer mind off it.
And if you must do so, masturbate. "A wank a day keeps the doctor away"

ahh Lauren raped me lol
we made brownie :D
ehhh
idk
do i? no
hm
i think i is an emotional wreck and it scares me because sometimes i dont feel like crying but then i just randomly start crying and i hate it cuz i dont really have a reason. cuz ive cried like 3 times already and its for like, little things. and idk why.
and for some reason if i get pissed off i just wont talk. but then i feel bad if i dont talk to Lauren but then i talk in sign language but she cant understand sign language so i have to talk and sometimes i just want to shut up and meh.
i dont want to want to stop talking. but sometimes i jsut have to concentrate on shutting up otherwise i might start concentrating on shit things.
i love Lauren
i want to make her happy. i dont know how to.
life sure is a bitch. lol here i come droppin plates on your ass bitch

ok so we are fucked again slightly because of my mothers stupidness and my inactive brain
i am technically in an unoficial relationship (that confuses even me and im the one writing the thing)
i am cold
this hair dye sucks
tomorrow is friday
sleep at Laurens
omfg
i want brandy (hahaha swallowing brandy tastes like swallowing jizz)
i want to play guitar but i cant lol
omg i think i went mad
look how much wasted space i could have just put it all on one line like this and kept on going like this without pressing enter or i could save even more space and type withoutusingthespacebarattheendofeachword
LOL ohmygod someone help me i think im happy again WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ^^
i wonder ig this sentence will make sense if i type iw withour looking at the ketbpars
lol no it doesnt
well actully someone could probably work out what it says but not everything is spelt right lol
do i care? i think not
omg
xD
radadadaaaaaaaaa

Idk why I feel so crappy. I hate not knowing. I hate thinking what if.

Love is the most unexplainable emotion around. There is no real definition for it. Everyones experiences are different.
I think when you care so much about someone, youd go to hell and back for them, kill, torture or die for them, thats love. When you actually know youd die without them and cant imagine life without them, youre in love.
When Im with you, and you have that smile on your face, and your eyes light up, and I realise this is what I wanted all along, this is what Id do anything to hold onto, I know Im in love.


"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

I want someone to say yes
-or-
I want to be the one to say yes.
I want someone to follow wherever I go.
I want someone to know when I need cheering up.
I want something thats forever, no strings attached.

Good stuff.
Lauren is coming over tomorrow.
20 days.
I painted stuff.
I am currently speaking to Lauren.

Bad stuff.
mums being a bitch again.
Massive all-day-long urge.
I want cake and there is no cake.
I am single. I think.
I am cold.
I am lonely.
I want to write a poem but I cant fucken think.

Let this prove that there are more bad things than good therefore providing reason for my current meh-ness.

I want to be someones favourite
I want to be someones "the one"
I want someone to drop everything and come see me when Im sad
I want someone to want to call or come round to see me everyday just to ask how Im doing
I want someone to open up an IM conversation as soon as they see Im online.
I want someone to love me most
I want someone to be able to make me laugh so hard I cry
I want someone to miss me when I go
I want someone to grin like an idiot when I come back
I want someone I love to love me too.

Poem

You won't need to say a word
It doesn't always have to be heard
Because I can see it in your face
Every struggle, and every race
You know you'll either win or lose
Happiness or scar tissue

But I'm proud of you, babe
We both know you won today

Who's to say what comes tomorrow
Will you get joy or maybe sorrow?
It won't matter, my love, either way
I'll do what I can to keep you safe
You're the reason I'm no longer bleeding
You won my heart, I'll help you win your freedom

xxx