I am very happy.
Considering it is nearly christmas.

Good things ~
There is tobacco everywhere.
Lauren is staying tomorrow.
My dads getting married.
I has comfy bed at the minute.
The snow is pretty.
9 days so far.
Lauren is ignoring the urges.
I have an epic grandad.
There will be chicken tomorrow.

Bad things ~
Christmas ehhhh.
Room messy.
Mum.

Let this prove that there are more good things than bad things, therefore I have no current reason to be sad.
Rawr.

My bootiful doggie ^^

My fat little bunneh
^^

My Stargazers!!

My GCSE results!!!!!!!

I am SO getting this tattoo.

i cried loads...i had to get Bev to call Sarah - i thought she wasnt gona come in..but she did ^^
i had to say goodbye cuz i might not see her until september..
i told her what i got for my bday, told her i was going to wales, told her i was gona see my dad..told her id miss her..told her i love her very much...asked why she doesnt say it...and then she did ^^ she says i know thats what she thinks, but its different when someone says it..like, in a good way..
and then she had to go invigilate in an exam. and i wanted to ask her something so i had to wait until 3:30 (almost an hour after school finished) and i walked with her a bit.. i asked her if shed come in on monday when i leave for wales, but she has plans..she might come in on results day, when i find out what GCSE grades i get. but i will definitely see her in september.
and i asked.. 'will you always love me?' and she said 'of course i will'.
and that is all i need :')

- update -

i have a lightbulb
i have a lot of bday money
i am off ebay
i am no longer in school with the bitches who think i am a crack whore
there have been no sightings of small children
i just ate pizza
there is soo much coffee downstairs and i am now wondering why it is not in my system
i am getting more socks


and the best part? i will always be loved ^^

summarising my half year so far.

-Negatives-
i have no lightbulb in my room
my savings consists of few copper coins in the bottom of a large smirnoff bottle
i sleep on the floor
i owe me mam £27.69
i am addicted to ebay
my sis is a bitch
there are trolls everywhere
apparently i am on crack
small children now frighten me
i am losing my liking for pizza
there is not enough coffee, ever
i do not get enough sleep
i have only one matching pair of socks

-Positives-
i have Sarah
i have been huggled lots

(good things come to those who wait [one and a half years to be exact - what would i do without you?] )

The World Is Now A Bright And Shiny Place

whyyyyyyyyyyyy? the existence of my absolutelyfuckingfabulous earphones is consistent. ebay have them. i love ebay. *sings ebay jingle* there are at least 16 sets availible and i want them allllll

I HATE YOU YOU STUPID INTERNET
I WANT A LIFE DAMMIT
I DONT WANT TO BE A FUCKING ROBOT
NOTHINGS REAL
YOU, ME, LOVE, HATE.
ALL FAKE.

ohmygod
i am happy
i am loved
woooooooooooooop
MAN you couldnt stop me smiling if you tried, you evil buggers - you know who you are
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

i felt a bit eeh so wrote a load of poems...

--------

black hate - blank stare - dont wait - i wont be there
dont touch me - leave me alone - whatever you say - im not coming home
ill sleep on the corner - the bench outside - dont get silly - dont dare cry
dont try to find me - dont call my phone - whatever you say - im not coming home
dont start apologising - its far too late - theres too much distance - too much space
i never belonged to you - im free to roam - whatever you say - im not coming home
im what you made me - and now im gone - you ruined your daughter - but shes not alone
shes got her own loved ones - all over the world - in the hearts of those people - is where she calls home

--------

look left
look right
disappear
into the night
noone watching
noone there
you dont notice
you wont care
walk faster
leave you behind
dont know where im going
and i dont mind
walk all night
until light shines through
out of the darkness
into the blue

--------

why me? what did i do?
i didnt choose to be stuck with you
let me out, let me be free
ill be alone if it makes me happy
you push me away, by clinging on tight
i disappear into the night
ill fly across the ocean to a place ive never seen
but ill find somewhere i can belong, ill have everything i need

--------

rain falling
truth dawning
tears drying
its not me crying
i dont need you
i wont see you
you werent there
youd never dare

--------
-Blue

OHMYGOD so many happies so many sads...i am loved...i am hated...wtf?
me sister wants me dead...im sure of it...she tells me she loves me and feels sorry for me, but then says im a fat / obese bitch and tells me to piss off to America...telling me wherever i go noone will ever love me? FUCK that. then i get told that i AM loved, but idk. why is it so hard to believe?

omg. i know its only 8am-ish, but it is so quiet here now..noone is up...i havent slept...reminds me of the time i stayed up all night while we were at a rally so i could listen to the quiet recorded version of tangled up in blue sung by kt tunstall on later with jools holland (had to record it cos cdnt find download anywhere.)
ahhhh, i may listen to that song now.

zomg. i am loved. ^^ i need nothing else. only hugs. but either way, i am loved.

i have started smoking again. :( but i got 6 weeks, so next time i quit i can go for 8 weeks i think. i think i did quite well. i have also made a mess of my arm a bit but i am loved now, so i dont need to do it again.

its odd, i have never heard those words from someone else who wasnt family. ^^
i told her, i wish she was my mum, and she said id end up not liking her, like i dont like my real mum. and i said i wouldnt. and i showed her what i did to my arm and she hugged me. and didnt let go for ages. and i told her, i love you, you know. and she says 'I love you, too.'
i dinny flipping believe it. so i say 'really?' and yes, and that shes got a lot of love.
and i have some of it ^^

harharhar, this is funny : http://www.warninglabelgenerator.com/

IT IS THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING. so why am i sad?
i dunno. i miss my help mom.

my tree died. she was a baby. about 2 weeks old. i named her Olivia. and she is now dead. i have pressed her, as i did the others. there is one left. i name her Olivia too.
am now eating apples to get more seeds to grow more trees

A wee pink-purple poppy.

She stood, swaying in the rough dirt. 3 buds, struggling to bloom and one big, beautiful flower that took my breath away. The edges of her petals were bright pink, the centre was deep purple. Never had I seen a poppy this colour before. Red ones were common and I had seen some in purple but this to me was beyond belief, I had no idea these colours existed on this plant. 'I must be lucky', I thought, 'to have found this. Noone else speaks of pink-purple poppies so they must be rare'. Her roots had burst out of the ground, gasping for nutrients having been starved by the dry earth. I brought fresh soil and compost for the plant, and began to care for her. Watering her every day when I returned from school and checking on her in the mornings before I left. I spoke to her, just as I would have liked to have been spoken to, were I a plant, alone outside, no others like myself. I urged the smaller buds to grow and flourish, not just so she would not be lonely, also because just she had brought a little beauty into the world and her three sisters could do the same.
But the weather had become highly unreasonable and the winds were cruelly fierce. I gave her more soil, to make her roots more secure in the dirt, but it was not enough. One day, I returned from school and saw my poppy lying on her side, almost completely uprooted. I panicked and scooped her up, out of the soil and I lay her on the ground next to me. I dug a small hole with a stick and filled it with with compost, placed her roots in it and covered them, standing her upright and trying to firm the soil to hold her positon. I sat with her and spoke to her still, and took a photo, just in case.
Always, when I got out of the taxi from school, I could see her as soon as I got out. Bold and beautiful, she was hard not to look at. But one day she was different. the bright pink blob i saw from metres away had changed shape. My bag hit the floor as I dropped it and ran to her. The worst had happened. One pink-purple petal was on the ground, browned at the edges. 2 of the 3 sister buds had given up and started to wilt. I knew she was dying, but still watered her and sat with her every day. I watched the last few of her silky soft petals fall to the ground day after day and stayed with the dying buds until they had blackened and died too.
The heads hollowed and soon I took the seeds. I longed to plant them, to see those gorgeous vibrant colours again. I kept the heads in a food bag, in case I lost some seeds, and kept the bag on the windowsill, trapped inbetween books. Alas, with people in the house bumping into the books, the bag was soon dislodged. Many a time I moved it, many a time it happened again, until soon, it was nowhere to be found. Thus, I lost hope for my pink poppys and after a while, gave up the search for the seeds. I felt I had let her down, and the world. The beauty was gone. Four lives had gone, ones I had cherished and ones I know had tried hard at life. At first I blamed the wind, for uprooting them in the first place. But the wind was nature, and nature was the poppies, so I couldnt blame that. I blamed myself instead. Had I put her in a pot and sheltered her from the winds violent rages, she might have lived. I hoped some seeds had already thrown themselves to the ground and grown, but I was moving on. By the next poppy season, I would live in a new home, and would seldom come here.

I walk up the path, towards my new house, carrying a box of by belongings, my mother and sister ahead of me. I step into my garden and stop dead in my tracks. There, in the border near the fence, is a cluster of poppies, dead now and brown, but still standing, their heads still full of seeds. I stand in front of them, and pull the heads off, gently and take them inside where I empty the seeds out onto the lid of a jam jar. I pour some into my hand and scatter them in the garden, near the hedge, in the corner, anywhere. I want the garden to be full of colour, no matter what colout it may be. I pour the rest of them onto the border, next to the previous lot and then stop and stare. Tears form in my eyes as I smile at this precious sight I had given up hope for. There on the ground inbetween the cracks in the earth, is a petal. A poppy petal. A pink-purple poppy petal.

*~true~*

and now i feel like shit.
i wish jackie was my mum. i dont love my own mum. i love jackie more. and olivia. and anthea. should i feel bad? i dont think i do anyway. i just wanna hug them. and not let go.

OHMYGOD MY POLLY IS HERE!!!!! i am grinning so much i think my head is gonna fall off! i love her sooooooooooo much!!!!!!! we havent been in chat together in sooooo long. i am naming the next tree that grows 'polly'.
and we gonna write to each other. itll be the same as in chat, hearing from each other once a week. cos shes in NZ but itll be COOLER.

ohmygoooooooood!!!! i just VOLUNTARILY cleaned my room. and hoovered it. and its all clean and shiney!!! and La!!! and i can see all of my carpet!!!
i have had a WOW day. i went into town WITHOUT MY MP3. at all. and i missed the bus so i walked to the next village and got a different one. :) and i has gotted 3 new tops, 2 of which are long sleeved. 1 of these is striped. 1 of them is plain blue. the 3rd is striped but with short sleeves. and not a one of them is black. (sounds like this should be some form of brain twister puzzles - bet ye cant guess what colour they are!).
and i am gonna grow lillies... very pretty things lillies are. and i am gonna grow more treeeeees!!!
i really shouldny be up at this time...

ohmygod. today was weird. i went on a trip with my leisure and tourism class. to nottingham. to see the galleries of juscite and the city of caves. the caves were crappy and i was bored and i went a bit funny and wouldnt go anywhere, but the LSA who was with me (cos i needed to be under supervision - one trip i went AWOL) told me she'd come on the trip with me cos she wanted to spend the day with me as opposed to being school teaching.and i asked why and she said cos she likes me. which made me cry. so i went and rejoined the group and she said thank you, and that she was glad i was here. and that made me cry too. and she kept asking what was making me sad but i couldnt tell her there. when we finished in the caves, i sat on the floor cos i didnt want to sit next to anyone. when we went to go, she held out her hand and she helped me up. i thought about what she said and cried a bit more. she told me that i didnt have to tell her why i was sad if i didnt want to. we were nearly at the bus and by this time i was crying a fair wee bit. so she took me aside and i tried to talk. i told her 'There aren't many people like you.' and i was crying so much she couldnt hear and i had to say it again. and she said it was such a sweet thing to say and she hugged me and i hugged back. but it wasnt just a quick hug, she didnt let go. and i still cried and she held me and she didnt seem to mind that i was crying. and we got in the minibus and i just stopped crying. and i wrote her a note saying why i cried. cos noone wants to spend a day with me and noone says theyre glad im there. and she told me shes not a liar and she means what she says. and she gave me a high five. we had to see if we had to sign in back at school and she came with us to make sure we didnt just leg it. when she had to go i said 'thank you for coming with me'.
It Is These People I Love The Most

and now there are threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! i only just seen him...awww.....

*i swear im going nuts*

i think im going to stop talking. i dont seem to say much good. i dont think people will notice. i only go downstairs to eat. maybe i dont do that either. noone would care. maybe noone would notice if i never left my room.

i hate me. i hate food. i am not eating anymore today. i dont care if i dont eat tomorrow. i dont care. ill bloody starve.

i wrote this a while ago. i feel like this now though.

-Because I Love You-
For you I will fade away,
Someone new will take my place,
Though it’s no big void to fill,
It should make a change of pace.
You wont miss me when I’m gone,
As I’ll take the stress with me,
You’ll find as the days go by,
You can breathe more easily.
I’m sure of where I’m going,
And I think I’ll be ok,
I don’t want you to worry,
Please don’t think of me today.
I’d like you to forget me,
So close your eyes really tight,
Block me from your memory,
It will help you sleep tonight.

i think i think i cause trouble for the people i love most. i wouldnt like to be forgotten, but if it will help to make them happy then...
i love them. i dont want to make them sad.

i has been painting. its odd. one of them looks like a shocked zebra. in a good way. i think i am angry. i dont know. i have been drinking mouthwash, which isnt the best idea. i have been driving. fun stuff. i didnt crash or kill anyone. :)
i feel really random. i should sleep. i have to go somewhere in the morning too... i want cookies. i dunno.
i am told that radish is a meat
i am told that cheese is magnetic
i am told a lot of things. i forget most of them i think. i dont believe the two above things. when einstein proves them to me i will believe.

i have nothing to say today. i think. i dunno. i am lonely and have been drinking beer and have eaten little today and i think i have 10 mins until i wish i was dead.

oooo myyyy gaaaaaaaaaaad i have been a week without a ciggie. yay me!!!!!! YAY! and WOOT! and LA!

im so lonely i could die, just to have something to do. why? i dunno. ah well.

oh my god now there are two of them!!!!!!!!!! and the other one is so tiny! its not even standing up yet but i can see it!!!!!

ohmygod i ****ing hate my 'sister'. she wants me to come help her convert media on her laptop and she expects me to drop everything to go help her. well though shit im busy. i have to be a mod on help.com chat and keep the perverts away and its not easy when they talk so damn fast and say so many damn things you cant keep up with who you gotta ban and even when you ban them they can go on private chat with you and you cant ban them on that so you just have to close it when they say something but they can still say stuff and GOD. i feel violated. you tell them to **** off but do they? no. i could quit being a mod but who would take care of them all then? noone. so i do it. i swear i could kill them all.
so there 'sis' that i what i do. id rather keep perverrs away from people who are trying to get help that help you. especially since you just said 'that selfish brat needs help'. im not selfish. my priorities are different to yours. id rather keep perverts away from my internet family.

ohmygod. my brother is amazing. he understands so much...doesnt mind helping or talking to me...how did i get so lucky to have him? i dunno. im glad i do have him though.
he knows psychology ( i have no idea if i spelt that right ) and he talked to me about my 'family' and why i forget to tell my mum things, but i remember to tell my friends the same sort of things. like, with my 'mum' i dont remember the 'important things', cos theyre not important to me, but with my friends i remember the things that dont seem to mean so much to others. and i remember my friends birthdays and i get their cards and prezzies in advance, but i totally forget that its my 'mum's birthday tomorrow... he says it sounds like a passive agressive attack on my 'mum'. which makes sense. we think i stopped liking her when she got her boyfriend. i think i feel left out, like she loves him and my 'sister' more that me. so i dont love her. or any of them. they never pay me any attention cos my 'sister' gets it all so i make trouble to get attention. well. i did. i cant be bothered now. i dont want them anyway. i live in the internet now. and my mp3 player. i love my internet family and friends more that my 'real family'. and i love my RL friends even more.
god, this was a long post... but see, through ranting to myself i realise why i hate my 'mum'. madness helps. *commence idiot-grinning, dancing and so forth...*

i have named my tree bellia. so i dont have to call it 'tree' when i talk to it. i know that makes me sound crazy but :P i am. so there.

ooooh myyyyyy gaaaaaaaaaaad my little tree is standing up all on its own nearly...! its so damn cute...with its first leaves chewed a bit grr... silly bug. there was a little slug on it...tut tut... :] i picked it up on a pencil and threw it out if the window... *commence smug grin* the slug i mean... i think it liked flying... ah well. if it didnt theres nothing i can do now. yeeeheeeeheeeeeeee...

i should sleep....i mean, look at the time.... i may kill someone in the morning...
shussssh! dont tell anyone...

why do i stay up so late?

ohmygod. i hate her! i ****ing hate her. she wont give me any pocket money until i make an appointment with a doctor cos somethings drastically wrong with me. cos i didnt call last night. to say i was staying home. i dont seem to know how to show i care about stuff, other than to hug someone when theyre upset. and even so i dont like hugging a lot of people. not family, its uncomfortable. i like hugging my friends. i dont like my family at all. i dont love any of them. except my second cousin and i hardly see her.
and now she calls and says shes only trying to help. well shes not doing a very good job of it! ooh they love me too, and always will. see, that means nothing to me when it comes from family. i dont know why. ah well. *sigh* and shes just checking i got home ok. hmm, well considering you called 5 mins after i left your house and i live round the corner from you and i picked up the HOME PHONE, yeah. i figure i got home ok. they hope ill come round soon and talk about it when ive thought about it. yeah, of course i will. *shakes head* love you, she says. yeah. *commence air-quotes* love you too, nan.

oh my god why cant my mum just ****ing leave me alone?????? i ****ing hate her. doesnt she get that?

and now i am sad. see how quickly it changes? the effect of my beer takes over quickly + i am lonely beyond belief therefore i am sad.
i dont know how that even happened. its confusing. :(

holy shit!!!!! oh my god!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! one of my trees is growing !!!!!!!!
you have no idea how ****ing good this is!!!!! you have no idea how much im grinning and squealing like an idiot!!!!!! :D
i grew nearly 30 0f them before. and they all died because of the cold :(. but i am growing them in my room!!!!! beat that weather! *gives cold weather the finger*
i have some in little plant pots sitting on my radiator and i take care of them every day with watering them and talking to them like an eccentric person. (eccentric is crazy for smart people).
and now...one of them is poking its little head out of the soil! and its so cute!!! and it is the most fan-****ing-tastic sight in the world!!!!!!!!
you think im mad dont you? a mad little girl who is obsessed with the planet and global warming and trees and grows them in her room? well. you are right!!! and you know what? i dont care. i am happy. *~lalala~*

oh for gods sake, why cant they leave me alone? they call, disrupt my evening, what do they want from me? i dunno. well they can forget it. im not going. they call again? im staying right here. im not here. i fell asleep. i dont care. im not ****ing going anywhere.

uugh. valentines day. hate hate hate.
ignore me. it is just because i am alone and my 'mother' is going off to a hotel with her bf. i am supposed to go stay and my grandparents, but will i? no, i think not. i shall stay here. key is in lock so NOONE is getting in unless i say so. and i will not say so. if i go to my nans i will eat things and i do not want to. i eat soup, and that is it. does noone get it? no. why? because they dont ****ing listen. and i will have to sleep at a 'normal time' - what is that? i dunno. with tidiness around me. ack. too tidy there. here everything is on the floor and i know its all there in some order. but there everything is on shelves. its odd.
aaaaaaaand now there is calm and singing. the singing of a mad teenager. yarr

oh my god. i am sick of people posting **** on help.com. why do they get a kick out of taking the piss out of other peoples problems? you dont know...
its so stressful. i want to help people but theres all these prats to sort out when they spam other peoples posts and tell them to kill themselves. is that funny? no.

omfg. it frustrates me that im stuck here. there are people homeless with kids in america and i can do nothing. why will noone help them? because theyre too far up themselves to see it all.

hmm. im slightly confused. i dont know why.

i dont like the holidays. makes me wanna get up and walk forever just to have something to do. or stay in bed and sleep forever just to have nothing to do. but i cant be bothered to do either.

ah well
*sigh*