Letters

Lauren ~

Im sorry about last night. I dont think I wanted to die. I want a life. A good one. With you. You make me happy. Last night didnt prove that, I know, but I didnt do anything else besides what you already know. I want to be strong for you. I just wish it was easier. I could get to you any time of day if you needed me. I think Ive always had that in my head. Someone calling me in the middle of the night saying they needed me, and me abandoning everything to bike to them and help them. I know Id like that. For someone to drop everything to be with me at a time of need. Maybe thats why my head tells me that I dont mean as much to you as you do to me. When in fact its just not that simple for you. You dont know how to get to mine if I need you. And even if you did, its not that easy for you to get away from home. Theres more at stake if you get in trouble. Not being allowed to see me. No money. No internet. I rely on EMA, I have a bike, a laptop with wireless and theres not much anyone can do in terms of grounding me - Im 16, I can leave home when I like.
Which brings me to my next point. I wish you could live with me. But that requires 2 things. You wanting to, and if thats a go, we both have to wait. And me and my head dont like waiting. It just makes us think that the longer we have to leave it, the more time we have to change our minds. And I know I dont want to change my mind. I want to be with you. I want to be able to take care of you, because I like when you take care of me. I want to be able to make you to feel like I do. I need you. I love you. And I mean it. Youre everything I want. My head just wont let me see it. But I know. My heads an idiot. Its my heart I need to follow.


Me ~

Stop it. Stop being so fucking ungrateful. You have someone who loves you no matter what. Yes there are some things you dont like but thats life. Go with the good stuff because you have no idea how long its going to last - make the most of it. And fucking give her a reason not to leave you cuz you know damn well youll hate yourself if she does. Get out of this hole, this rut youre in. Give her someone to look up to, someone to be proud of. Someone to say "I wish I was like her" about. You know youd love it if someone wanted to be just like you, for all the good reasons. Do whatever she wants. Never make her cry again if you can help it. Make her feel loved, if you know how. And if you dont know, ask her. Dont shout at her again. If she has an urge dont make it worse with a rant. Rant later when she says its ok. Dont make her worry. But dont lie. Dont make her do anything she doesnt want to. Dont make her pissed off. Just dont do it. Treat her like the epic wonderful girl she is. Make her feel like you do if you can work out how. Or do your damn hardest. Do your damn hardest to protect her from what you can, by whatever means necessary. Dont be the reason she falls. Be the reason she rises above everything and everyone else. If you can, be the thing that makes her smile every day. And be the thing that makes her want to keep going, just to see what tomorrow will bring.