Hmm.

I seem to have found myself thinking about death and suicide an such. I dont even know why. Life on average is going considerably well. Though at a time like this its hard to see it. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I feel like dancing and the next I just want to sit and cry and mmf and take paracetamol. Which isnt really sensible since I now feel sick. Im thinking too far ahead. I dont know what ill do when its Laurens birthday. Ill get to see her, but then shell be wth Connor all the time and I am barely coping now, how am I going to cope for 4 days? How the hell am I going to cope when she goes to Turkey because she wont be able to text and it will be like that for 2 weeks with just nothing and I have a feeling that I am going to go insane, if Im this bad now..I wont do anything tonight. I feel too ill. Lauren will be the reason I dont do anything..I think its just after so much closeness last night its like a massive come down now Im alone. I dont really have a good reason to do it tonight, cant be bothered anyway, just want to go to sleep. And as for suicide, cant be bothered with that either. I dont want to throw away the negatives if it means I lose the positives too. I refuse to lose Lauren. I know things can and will get better. I also know theyll probably take a long time, but I hang on every day just in case they decide to happen tomorrow.