Few poems.

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You want to catch me while you can

But you were never part of the plan

Stay away, you cant stop me now

It’s your own fault, you let me down

You filled my head with all these lies

Tortured me and watched me cry

I begged you not to mess with my head

So you tore out my heart and ripped it to shreds

Now it’s far too late to apologise

You had your chance to save my life

All the things you wish you’d said

They don’t matter now I’m dead

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As I lay dying, You’ll see I’m crying,

My heart is empty through all the lying,

I’d still be alive, learning to survive,

If it weren’t for lack of trying.

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I never knew I could feel so small,

As I stand atop this building and prepare to fall,

The time has come for me to die,

I swallow my tears and say goodbye,

I strongly advise you to do the same,

You will never see me alive again,

For I have taken that fatal step,

Falling steadily towards my death,

The sky appears to turn to black,

As the concrete pavement meets my back,

My soul is gone, it feels no pain,

She is free to wander in the pourng rain.

Ok so things have changed. I feel less shit about myself. I may be starting to get back in sync with my friends. I hope so anyway. New people too. Which is not as awkward as it seems, surprisingly. My 18th is coming up, not sure wether or not to look forward to it or not. My birthdays haven't exactly been great in the past. Well they were ok when I was with friends. Family ruined it. So this year, no family on my bday. Just drinking, smoking (weed), possibly getting a tattoo, depending on how much money Dad leaves for me in the morning. I have stopped eating quite a bit, except when I have munchies, then it's impossible to resist Doritos. I hate being in Nottingham most of the time, cuz I sit and talk to myself like a crazy person. I miss having a best friend. I miss my dog. I miss my sister. I miss hugs, and being a prat with people. God help me I even miss Rawlins. Meh. Mmf has become a big part of my life again (shush don't tell anyone), simply because it's the only thing to do that takes my mind off the shittyness of the world.

But ho-hum, life goes on.

^.~

really long time.
im adopted. i just know it. nobodys real mum could be this mean. im going to live in a tent and starve myself thin so i can buy cheaper clothes from charity shops and save enough money to hire a private detective to find my real mum. i cnt wait to meet her. i bet shes really nice. i know shell like me when im better and when she gets to know me. i wonder why noone ever told me about her. i do have a right to know.

Long time...things have taken a turn for the worse..Jacob is nowhere to be heard from, the things I spent 3 years working for are going down the shitter, and I have stepped on a broken video player..In a way I win. My self destruction is free to take over, and noones really here to stop me..but at the same time I lose. My friends, my happies. Gone. As quickly as it comes, its taken away. Ah well. Life goes on, I suppose. Ugh, I tried so hard to just get on, but something blocks me, I dont know why. Or what it is. Meh. Bday in 2 days. Noone will stop me then. For once, things are going to go my way.

She hides behind the shadow of dark. The cuts. The blood. The pain. The tears. She shakes. She cries. She’s hurt. Lonely. Sad. The fear takes over. Scared. She needs you. She needs your words. Your voice. They calm her like a mothers touch calms a crying baby. She’s changed. She regrets the promise. Blue, Green, Red. Rose Petals. Kisses. Hugs. Smiles. Abstract paintings on bare walls. Butterflies. Knives. She’s lost.

I found a load of quotes today that apply to how I feel about you..

No matter how many times I get in my state where I need to push everyone away just remember I will always love you and don’t ever forget it even though you think I might.

I cared. Too much. I found out you could have cared less. You hurt me and you don’t even know it.

My favorite place would be in your arms falling asleep with you whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

I want you to buy me flowers, just because its tuesday.

t is not the kiss itself, but the moment right before the lips touch, that leaves you speechless.

Take time to think about those people you love, how you appreciate them, and thank them while you can.

You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am, and when I fall you offer me a softer place to land.

And when she kissed me that day I couldn't help but think this is exactly what I waited for.

For someone I love, I'd die a horrible death, battle the underworld, come back, and do it all again.

The spaces between our fingers were made so another persons fingers could fill them.

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control.

Never give up on the one you love because you never know when they’ll love you back.

I didn't say "I Love You" to hear it back... I said it to make sure you knew.

The only thing worse than a broken heart is knowing I'd give you another chance.

So just whisper sweet nothings in my ear and hold me tight. Make this night last forever, cause it may be the last.

There’s no way I could look in your eyes and tell you I don't love you.

You dont have to worry about me not loving you tomorrow.

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And what started this? I remembered that first kiss. And now Im crying my eyes out.

The World Spins Madly On..

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

Pretty epic day :D

Met Connor who is actully rather epic. Seen Lauren ofc. Bought fuck all except a drink of diet pepsi and a book. I guess I did get a bit upset but eh. Cant have a perfect day. Hopefully will see Lauren before / after I go to my dads. Also hopefully we'll all go bowling maybe at the weekend. I wish Id took photos. I kept slipping over cuz the slabs on the ground are smooth and I decided to wear the boots with shit grip. I did feel like a spare part but tis totally understandable.
Im fucking bored now mind. And cold. Ive watched the IT Crowd all over the past 2 days. And Skins. Grr. Must watch something. *goes to search youtube*

I HAVE FUCKING EPIC HAIR

PLANE!

I must get this tattoo. Either this year or next, for my bday.

Bored.

I really need a fag but cba to get up and go outside.

Hmm

Ok. So I get it now, I think. I have to get better, I know this, for my sake and Laurens. I get what Im doing wrong. I just have to learn how to stop doing it all. Lauren says shell give me a chance, but I really dont know if I can trust her now. I want to be able to trust her but I just cant tell if shes still lying to me. I wouldnt blame her to be fair, but Id rather know the truth straight off than piss about thinking everythings fine when its not. Its all very well her telling me shes being honest, but anyone can lie. Idk. Tis easier for me to believe the negative things right now, they are the bits that are easier to believe, but I dont want to believe them anymore. I want to be a shiney happy person who people feel comfortable with and who people enjoy being around. And I want to be the kind of girlfriend Lauren deserves.
I think Im over thinking. Same things, phrases going round in my head. All I keep thinking now is "Tis all very well deleting it all, but whats to say you wont make another one and keep lying, keep more stuff from me?" Ugh.
I cannot think of anything to do. Im actually bored of watching Skins all day. Ah. Lee Evans XL Tour will do fine :)
I hate this lemon - lime shit im drinking. I couldnt stand the aftertaste of the fizziness so I put water in and now its a horrible exaggeratingly watered down version of something that is supposed to be sour. BORN to be sour, dare I say. Yet I cant stop drinking it. THERES NO MORE MILK! D:
My brother is BAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!! Lazeh appears to have something good going :)
Sleep now.

Hm. Bad day I think. I just dont get it. What am I doing wrong that people wont hang out with me for? Im trying my best Im nice to everyone unless they piss me off..Its not like I dont want to hang out with people Im just scared to ask them in case they say no..Its not like Id say no. Id give anything to have real friends. If someone asked me Id smile and do it. Even Lauren doesnt seem to want me. Shes not showing up online but comments on facebook. Just makes me think shes avoiding me. I cant blame her. Im not exactly happy these days. I know I get upset easily but it doesnt mean its over nothing, its stuff that actually upsets me. I wish shed include me in something. If someone made plans with me Id ask her to come along.
I acually felt better when I didnt have anyone. There was none of this stuff then. Nothing to miss. Now Ive had a bit of it I just want a little more every now and again..And it pisses me off. The people Id like to hang out with just want to hang round with Lauren. I feel as lonely as I ever was. Part of me wishes I was still alone. But I cant leave Lauren..I wish I could just let go of everything. No I dont..I like having people around I suppose..I just wish people would spend more time with me. I wanna hang round with Jonno too but I cant just invite myself. Fat chance shell ask me either. And I dont even know whats happening at the weekend so idk if I need to take anything to school tomorrow and Lauren isnt online to talk about it with and I cant stop fucking crying.

Something I really want to say..

A hypothesis, if you could call it that..

You are contemplating suicide, or something of the like. The facts are this - you have at least one person who loves you for who you are, no matter what you do, say, feel. They would do absolutely anything for you, no question. And you love then too. Live for them. You never know, they could be ther person making you Laugh over the phone for years to come.

You are beautiful. Regardless of what you have done or have ever wanted to do. You are unique, for whichever reason makes you so. Its your reason, and yours alone. Be proud of it. Fuck what the rest of the world thinks or says about you. YOU. The one and only you. Youre only given one chance at life, so show the world that youre taking all your chances at once. Let them talk, just dont listen. Show the world exactly who you are, because they will only get one chance to get a proper look.

Happy things

I am being a happy person. I have decided i do not care what other people say about me, you know who you are ¬¬
Things are ok, dont worry, be happy

"Everybody must get stonedddddd"

I loves my Lauren and thats why I am going to change the way I am because I cant stand to lose her and I will be a good nice girlfriend because thats what I want to be and I can be anything I want to be as long as I have the willpower to do anything. Today will be a fresh start..The first day of the rest of my life. And I will live it how I want, for who I want.

I seriously dont get this shit. Lifes a bitch, I know, but that doesnt make it any easier, does it?
Seriously. If I had someone who wanted to see me every day, who wanted to go out to their way and abandon everything just to see me for even a minute, Id fucking let them if it would make them happy. Sure, maybe Im overreacting a little bit but its the fucking principle of it.
I know I cant be happy ALL the time, that just not fair on other people who need happies. But just for a fucking minute a day, is it too much to ask?
I cant be bothered to argue with people, to eat, to do anything. Whats the fucking point? Yes Lazy, I know about the life being a game thing, but I dont like the game anymore. I dont think I ever did. I just want someone to take me away from this world, so I dont have to. That, or make it as horrible as possible, then I at least have more reason to hate it. I want someone to hurt me. I dont know why. I wish brian was still beating the shit out of me. Someone. Anyone. I dont care anymore. I look at myself and wonder why the heck anyone would want anything to do with me. It made sense before when I was being hit a lot, and it doesnt make sense why noone hits me now. Im the same person. It surprises me that he doesnt hit me more to be honest.
Eh. Now Ive gone mad.

So. Here we are. I do not have a fucking clue what to say tbh. My screen is borked. Your fault Lauren, for needing a piss.
I have many crcuit boards, and 2 light bulbs, and fishing line. I just need a broken laptop, simply for its circuit board.
Im in the bath
There are more epic wins nmy hat, I think I need a bigger hat. YOUR FAULT AGAIN LAUREN. Grr
Water is wet.
Hot water is hot and wet
Oh dear me
See what shes don to my head?

Hmm. Im slightly worried about you really. But itll be ok..

ok i think ima be ok. i think the first step is me getting my head sorted. whilst also fiing thing with Lauren. then we will be ok. we have to be ok. i need Lauren to be ok. i dont want her worrying about me. i need her to be happy.
i am so tired
i have the urge to drink milk a lot.

Holyfuckingshit

There are no words to descibe this evening with my Lauren. A bit of an iffy start but ohhhhfuck. Apart from a few interruptions, another "best night of my life" sort of thing.
Wow.
Fuck me sideways.
Im actually trying to think here.
Its hard.
I did end up mmf while I was there with burning which I have never done but it hurts a lot less. But holy cunting shitbags. A seriously epic time afterwards. Im a lot more comfortable with myself since being with Lauren. Im not posting detais here for all you pervs. All you need to know is that I am in love with a wonderful, odd, kind, epic, beautiful, amazing girl, and I am on top of the world. So there :)
No lessons, no teachers, people going on at me for the overdose. Eh
Fuck that, I dont care anymore. I has epic wins in my hat. :D
^^ COOKIE FACES (88)

Nvm..